Dear Stephenie Meyer…

8 12 2009

Dear Stephenie Meyer:


You don’t know me, but I of course know of you.  You are the author of the ridiculously popular Twilight series of novels, which are currently enjoying a place at the top of our pop culture food chain thanks to a series of movie adaptions that are being warmly received from your legions of fans.  I have never read one single word of a single Twilight novel; however, virtually every single credible source of criticism I know of has described you as an absolutely atrocious, hack writer, who is merely popular because she is playing on the hidden, buried desires of bored and neglected housewives and rejected teen girls.  I think this is bullshit.  You have a legion of, not just fans, but rabidly devoted fans.  Clearly your work has touched on something…I don’t pretend to understand what…but I fervently believe that great writing is all about stirring emotion in your reader, and from that respect you are clearly brilliant.  As a fellow writer, you have my most sincere respect and admiration.

My disconnect with the Twilight phenomenon extends to yourself, to the point where I had actually never seen a picture of you before.  Until today.  I don’t remember what particular random internet-surfing tangent led me to run into a photo of you, but I did, and I must admit I was quite shocked.  I assumed you’d be ugly.  Now that probably sounds like a very unfair comment, but let’s be honest, you are: A) a writer…not known for their superior looks, B) a writer of a thinly veiled abstinence parable, and the biggest champions of abstinence tend to be those who can’t get any anyway, and C) a writer of vampire novels.  Nobody is lining up around the block to sex Anne Rice.  So I made a, in hindsight very incorrect, assumption.

Stephenie Meyer, author of the "Twilight" saga. I'd hit it.

You are actually quite attractive.  Not supermodel beauty type attractive, of course, but that shit is boring anyway.  You look like a pleasant, somewhat nerdy type thing, with a nice rack.  Not to belabor the point, but again, I am very surprised.  And this fact brings me to the point of my letter to you today:

You and I should totally bang.

Seriously.  I think you’d enjoy it.  From one writer to another.  Now in the interest of full disclosure, I am not a shirtless, glistening werewolf; nor am I a glittering, super-strong emo vampire.  But nonetheless, I will bang the living daylights out of you.  To quote the text message of Tiger Woods: “I will wear you out…” Forget about Breaking Dawn or New Moon…your next book will be called Aching Vagina, because that is what you will have.  An aching vagina.  From my penis.

So think it over, Stephenie Meyer.  I will be awaiting you in my romantic, gothic love castle…otherwise known as my mom’s house.

Sexfully yours,

Tim Gage

EDIT: I will give a shiny nickle to the first Twilight fan who can tell me where I could electronically submit this letter to Stephenie Meyer via the internet.  I looked all over her official fan page and couldn’t find a spot to submit things.  Seriously, if someone finds a place, I will send this to her.

Greatest Hits…

28 11 2009

I regularly get people who tell me that they recently started reading my blog, or recently got some other new person to start reading my blog.  That is cool and all, but every time I hear this I am painfully aware that blogs are organized from most recent post to earliest, and most people won’t ever get to some of my (in my opinion) more funny ramblings because they have to wade through my most recent stuff, which for the most part hasn’t been as interesting.

This realization inspired me to put together a quick hit list of what is, at least in my opinion, the better bits of nonsense I’ve managed to spew out since I started blogging.  This list cuts away the stupid whiny posts or silly quick gag posts, and instead focuses on the posts that, though I’m a little too close to the joke to actually laugh, make me smile inwardly.  So, if you are new to my blog, this is a list of posts I think you should seriously consider reading:

(Note: I’m including on this list posts from the my old MySpace blog as well.  I am not including anything I’ve written in the past six months…not that I don’t think I’ve written anything good in the past six months, but that stuff can all be found near the top pages of this blog.)

“The Tubelessness Problem…”— K-Bell and I are introduced to the harsh realities of tube capitalism at The Waterpark of America, plus we discuss the complicated relationship between Batman and The Joker.

“Everything really does happen for a reason…”— I experience divine intervention at the Taco Bell.  I’m actually fairly indifferent to this blog, but Nikki W. still claims it as her favorite of all time, so…there you go.

“Never a dull moment…”— The trials and tribulations of being sick.

“The list…”— A simple statement at a work meeting permanently fries my brain.

“I attend a lame open house BBQ, share an awkward evening with old friends, trip over some rocks, and play Mad-Libs…”— I think the title says it all.

“What would Daniel Day-Lewis do?…”— An approach to acting, the Daniel Day-Lewis way!

“Piss off, Barack Obama…”— A little political satire.

“Sitting duck…”— My co-workers insist on talking to me…about this stuff.

“If you don’t have sex with me, the terrorists win…”— 9/11 changed the way I attempt to get laid.

“Chick flick…”— One of my little private fantasies.

“A brief moment of self-image re-alignment…”— My fragile self-ego gets crushed at a call-back audition for “Barefoot in the Park.”

“The miracle of burf…”— I spend part of the day my nephew is born embarrassing myself in front of a cute bookstore employee.

“Shallow Tim…”— My embarrassing shallowness is revealed to me while attending a show at my old college.


Some tasty Spam…

21 11 2009

One of the features of having a nifty WordPress site is a spam catcher.  Most spam isn’t very interesting to read, but a couple days ago I got a beautiful one.  I’m not making this up:

Why hello swain forum people! I just wanted to interpose myself here as this looks like a very attractive forum! I myself am gripping in things like writeing and computer repair so if anyoune needs serve let me differentiate! I also Suffer from Sciatica so if you aslo fool this contagion let me recognize so we can stake some stretches!

So much goodness here, I don’t even know how to pick  my favorite part.  No…that’s a lie, I definitely know what my favorite part is.  My favorite part is: “…if you also fool this contagion let me recognize…”  I have no clue what that means, but it just sounds like poetry.

Anyway, can anyone translate this for me?  Leave your best word-for-word translation of what you think this spam message is trying to say in the comment box, and the best one will get, um, a surprise.  A “surprise” as in, “Surprise!  You get nothing!”

You know it ain’t easy…

11 11 2009

Christ you know it ain’t easy,
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They’re going to crucify me.

–John Lennon

I have a car.  A list of things currently wrong with my car, in brief: It rattles like the Enterprise going through a wormhole when it shifts from first to second, the right front bumper is crumpled, the right front headlight is smashed so that it points to the side, the dome light doesn’t work, the gear shift is sticky, the registration tabs are expired, and the inside needs a thorough cleaning in a bad way.  My car’s in bad shape.

Pathetically, the cars owner might be in worse shape.

I don’t think its much of an exaggeration to say my medical situation is becoming a cluster fuck of epic proportions.  After recovering from the much ballyhooed flu going around, I discovered I need surgery to repair a hyrdroseal in my left testicle, possibly caused by the melanoma.  While waiting to do that, I began experiencing excruciating pain in my right side, and I do not use the word “excruciating” lightly, particularly since I don’t know how to spell it.  A trip to the emergency room that involved me vomiting on not one, but two nurses, and I am informed this pain is caused from a tumor that has invited itself onto my liver.  That would be my liver that was, as of two months ago, cancer free.  Fucking cancer.

New Oncologist has advised I begin chemo immediately.  And he’s not talking about the pussy kind of chemo I did originally, that involved pills and not losing my hair; he is talking full blast, hospital stays, going bald type chemo.  Fuck.  My.  Life.

The worst part of all this is it’s becoming increasingly difficult to fight the urge to stop living anything resembling a meaningful life.  I’d like to continue acting, writing, dating pretty girls, maybe find a job again…but I can’t resist the notion telling me that doing any of this stuff is a waste of time, as it will all go straight into the toilet the next time I become ill or need treatment.  For the moment I am still plugging away,  but for the life of me I don’t know why…

On a positive note (but also contributing to my frustration with my health), I was fortunate enough to be cast in Lyric Arts upcoming production of The Mousetrap, which started rehearsal this week.  When Lyric announced their new season, this was the show I was primarily interested in being in, so to actually get cast feels really good.  Such a huge percentage of the time with auditions, you go home with your fragile self-ego stamped into crumbs like a loose Crunch Berry, so it’s nice when you occasionally get cast in something you actually made it a goal to get cast in.

Now if I can just keep myself alive long enough to perform the fucking thing.

In the meantime, I’ll just keep driving the old car up to the theater…gun the accelerator through the rough gear shifts, try to ignore my right headlight pointed 90 degrees in the wrong direction, and so forth.  People tell me I should stop driving that car, but beat up as it is, I just don’t want to give up on it yet.

The car or its owner.

Other people’s blogs…

30 10 2009

I get a lot of complaints from people saying that I don’t blog often enough.  They say, “Why haven’t you written any new blogs, Tim?”  “When are we going to get a new blog, Tim?”  “Hurry up and write some more, Tim.”  And to those people I say: Please stop following me to the bathroom…you make it very difficult for me to do my “business.”

I could blog more, but think about all the other awesome things in life I miss out on when I waste my time blogging: Reading a good book, flying a kite, making love to a beautiful woman.  I mean, I don’t do any of those things, ever…but if the opportunity ever came up, I need to be available.

The point is, it’s time for me to whore out some friends blogs, and when I’m not writing enough, you can read theirs.  Don’t let the fact that none of them are as physically attractive as me fool you into thinking their writing isn’t just as interesting.  In no particular order:

Jessica Scott, a young actress I’ve bumped into at a few auditions, writes “Musings of an Aging Ingenue.”  Her most recent post is an honest, well-written examination on the auditioning process and its effect on the psyche of an actor.  It’s very similar to something I would write, only without any dick jokes or pictures of myself in stockings.  What a fucking show off!  “Ohhh, look at me, I’m Jessica Scott, I write thought provoking blogs that neither insult my readers intelligence nor pander to people’s 3rd grade senses of humor.”  You’re not better than me, Jessica Scott, so stop thinking you are!


My friend Meggan Massie earns mad respect for being as equally skilled a writer as I am, and nearly 85% as good looking.  That may seem like faint praise, but keep in my I’m ridiculously good looking, so 85% is pretty amazing.  Also, unlike me, she has actually been paid to write, which of course means I have to keep congratulating her through gritted teeth while secretly hoping she dies.  Meggan has a great talent for breathing excitement into ho-hum topics, and her blog, “Half-Fast: Meggan Runs a Marathon,” is about her…um…running a marathon, I guess.  Really, Meggan?  A blog about…running?  Were you just worried that writing about any other subject would be too easy, and you needed something boring to challenge yourself?  Okay…well, it will probably be amazing.  I for one will be reading, but secretly hoping for scantily clad pictures of Meggan and her L.A. friends to make an appearance.

Finally, Nikki Wakal has a new blog, “Witchynikki’s Blog.”  Nikki is the only baseball-loving, poker-playing, theater degree having witch I know, which makes anything she writes worth reading by itself.  Nikki also likes to write about things that annoy her…which means she should have enough material to keep her blog going for a long, long, long, long time.  I daresay “Encyclopedia Britannica” doesn’t have as endless of a well of material to draw from as Nikki does.

So go forth, read, and waste some of your free time on someone else’s ramblings for a while.

Andy Rooney’s town is frackin’ great! And no, you don’t get to live there…

28 10 2009

As you are probably all aware, Andy Rooney is a correspondent for “60 Minutes” who has become famous for his end of show, home-spun, opinion segments.  Rooney generally veers wildly in his rants from being, at best, lame and irrelevant, to being, at worst, borderline racist and homophobic.  He is, in brief, hilarious.  I mocked one of his columns in an earlier MySpace blog entry, “Dear Mr. Rooney…” It was both a fun and easy time to write.



Why so sexy, Andy Rooney?


So it was with great excitement that today, while idly surfing the internet, I discovered that Andy Rooney has a weekly column!  And they put it online!  Holy shit, this is like Christmas, your birthday, and finding out your girlfriend isn’t pregnant all wrapped in one!  I will never complain about not having any material for this blog again.

(Tim pulls up a comfortable chair, makes himself an orange juice and vodka, and kicks his feet back.)  Okay, Mr. Rooney…hit me with some crazy!

Some towns in the U.S. have good names and some do not.

Andy Rooney’s calling you out, Butte, Montana.

I have a home in a great town, and I’m not going to name the town for fear that everyone will want to come there.

Aw, c’mon, Andy Rooney!  Please tell me where you live, so I can rush out and by a twenty-acre property right now!

I like my homes and although I grew up in Albany, I don’t think of it with great affection. Albany is near towns like Troy and Cohoes, which I dislike for no better reason than I like Albany. The great thing about Troy for me was the fullback on my high school football team came from there.

It’s from him that I learned the simple beauty that can ensue from a man’s physical love of another man.

Albany doesn’t get much attention, considering it is the capital of New York State.

What, no “CSI: Albany?”  Andy Rooney calls bullshit!

The capital building itself is magnificent but Albanians don’t pay much attention to it. To its neighbors, it’s just another building in the way. I grew up as an “Albanian,” but my dictionary defines this word as “a native of Albania.” I am not a native of Albania. I’m a native of Albany, and for a part of the year I live in a town 35 miles from there. I wish this town (which I am not going to name) had been called something else, something easier to spell, but it wasn’t.

Still not going to tell us the name of your precious town, eh, Andy Rooney?  You big cock-tease…

I also go through Lake George Village on my way to our cottage on the lake. The lake is 32 miles in length…and what a beauty. I think many years ago the town’s politicians added the word Village to the name because the lake is better known than the town. Again, I won’t say the actual town where my home is because it’s great and I don’t want everyone to come there.

FUCK YOU, ANDY ROONEY, YOU FUCKING COCK-CHOMPING ASSHOLE!  WHY DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP RUBBING YOUR SUPER SECRET TOWN IN MY FACE!  Hey, look everyone, Andy Rooney’s town is great!  Apparently Butterfinger Blizzard flavored ice cream flows from the taps, and a member of the Spice Girls is available at every corner to give weary travelers a hand-job.  God damn it, Andy Rooney, you WILL tell me the location of your super secret awesome town.  Perhaps this torture droid will loosen your tongue…

Now, you might not be interested in this fact, but I make coffee using water I scoop up from the lake and then boil.

You might not be interested in this fact, but I wipe my ass from back to front.  I find it saves me an average of .07 seconds per wipe.

A lot of people have summer cottages away from the city where they visit all year long. It’s increasingly more difficult to find an out-of-the-way, beautiful vacation destination. If you are able to find a good place that doesn’t have many people, it doesn’t stay that way for long. Of course, we’re all part of the problem.

And by “we’re all” I mean “everyone who isn’t Andy Rooney.”

I don’t know what we’re going to do about overcrowding. There’s just no doubt that there are too many of us for the limited number of good places we have to go on vacation.

Good thing Andy Rooney is here to point out the most serious consequence of the planet’s over-population: Rapidly depleting vacation spots.  Jesus, people, throw a condom on that thing!  Andy Rooney doesn’t want to look at your pale, ugly kids while he’s trying to enjoy a mai tai on the beach.

I think apartment living is underrated. So, even though I love going to our summer homes for vacation to get away from our daily life, I think sometimes I would be better off staying home.

Andy Rooney’s home life is so fucking great, it’s a vacation in itself.  So even though he’s rich enough to own a big summer home, he might not even use it.

I’ve said this before, but I’d like to encourage everyone — and I include myself — to start a movement called “Stay-at-home-on-vacation.” The nightly pictures on the news of people on vacation flocking to our beaches are enough to keep all of us in our backyards, if we have a backyard.

I’ll be sitting in mine, shotgun cocked and aimed, ready to turn anyone I see into 150 lbs of raw beef…

Vacation spots near the water are clearly in short supply.

My bathroom toilet is currently taking reservations, Mr. Rooney, whenever you’re ready.

I was at my lake cottage the past couple of weekends, and so was everyone else. Next year, I’m going to stay home and sit on my apartment terrace. That’s where I’m going on my next vacation.

MY NAME IS ANDY ROONEY, AND I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE!  Stay away from me and my awesome town, unwashed masses!

A little T & T…

1 10 2009

I have a problem, friends.  My brain has stumbled upon a paradox which I, thus far, have been unable to resolve, despite vigilant research and contemplation.  The problem is as follows:

I can’t decide if girls with tattoos are hot or not.

This brain puzzle comes to me courtesy of the blog Tits & Tats (extremely NSFW, obviously).  The blog is, as the name implies, just a bunch of pictures of hot naked girls with various interesting tattoos.  Cool.  Unfortunately, looking at these pictures has planted within me a chicken-or-the-egg type question…Are these girls hot because of their tattoos?  Or are the tattoos hot because they are on naked girls?  Let’s look at the arguments:

On one hand, the artwork on display on this site is unquestionably beautiful, and there is something about the way the tattoo artist incorporates a woman’s physical shape into the piece that really enhances the natural beauty.  Plus, when you see a girl with tattoos like this, you can’t help but get the impression that she’s the type of girl who will, you know, do it with you without a lot of annoying questions, such as: Where is this relationship going? Do you have any diseases? or, What did you say your name was again?  That’s always nice.

On the other hand, the tattoos can be a problem.  Girls, you may find this hard to believe, but the reason we guys want to get you naked so badly isn’t just so we have easier access to your fun parts, although that is certainly a huge factor.  However, we also want to get you naked so we can look at your naked body, because that’s hot.  And for girls with tattoos, particularly the ones with extremely large, full-body tattoos, it’s like they are wearing clothes that we can NEVER GET OFF!  I will never be able to see that patch of skin that is now covered by a tattoo.  And that makes me sad.

A dramatization of what my penis goes through, when I see a girl with tattoos.  Hmmm....

A dramatization of what my penis goes through, when I see a girl with tattoos. Hmmm....

Another issue: Girls with tattoos that are in writing.  I don’t know how I feel about that.  I’m an avid reader, so…I certainly like having the extra reading material, I guess.  But do I want that extra reading material during sex?  I think when I’m having sex, I just want to have sex.  If I wanted to read I’d, you know, go read.  You’re already entertaining enough in the bedroom, ladies…you don’t need to provide me with reading material to pass the time.  We’re having sex, we aren’t sitting in the waiting room of the doctor’s office.

So, I’m still at an impasse.  Tattoos: Hot?  Distracting? Slutty? Unnecessary?  Weight in with your opinions in the comment section.  In the meantime, I promise to work diligently at cracking this conundrum by studying…possibly for hours upon hours…the naked girls with tattoos pictures.  And if you are a girl with a tattoo who would like to contribute to my research by getting naked and letting me look at you, that would be super appreciated as well.

Together, we can finally solve the ancient HOT GIRLS + TATTOOS = ? equation.