Greatest Hits…

28 11 2009

I regularly get people who tell me that they recently started reading my blog, or recently got some other new person to start reading my blog.  That is cool and all, but every time I hear this I am painfully aware that blogs are organized from most recent post to earliest, and most people won’t ever get to some of my (in my opinion) more funny ramblings because they have to wade through my most recent stuff, which for the most part hasn’t been as interesting.

This realization inspired me to put together a quick hit list of what is, at least in my opinion, the better bits of nonsense I’ve managed to spew out since I started blogging.  This list cuts away the stupid whiny posts or silly quick gag posts, and instead focuses on the posts that, though I’m a little too close to the joke to actually laugh, make me smile inwardly.  So, if you are new to my blog, this is a list of posts I think you should seriously consider reading:

(Note: I’m including on this list posts from the my old MySpace blog as well.  I am not including anything I’ve written in the past six months…not that I don’t think I’ve written anything good in the past six months, but that stuff can all be found near the top pages of this blog.)

“The Tubelessness Problem…”— K-Bell and I are introduced to the harsh realities of tube capitalism at The Waterpark of America, plus we discuss the complicated relationship between Batman and The Joker.

“Everything really does happen for a reason…”— I experience divine intervention at the Taco Bell.  I’m actually fairly indifferent to this blog, but Nikki W. still claims it as her favorite of all time, so…there you go.

“Never a dull moment…”— The trials and tribulations of being sick.

“The list…”— A simple statement at a work meeting permanently fries my brain.

“I attend a lame open house BBQ, share an awkward evening with old friends, trip over some rocks, and play Mad-Libs…”— I think the title says it all.

“What would Daniel Day-Lewis do?…”— An approach to acting, the Daniel Day-Lewis way!

“Piss off, Barack Obama…”— A little political satire.

“Sitting duck…”— My co-workers insist on talking to me…about this stuff.

“If you don’t have sex with me, the terrorists win…”— 9/11 changed the way I attempt to get laid.

“Chick flick…”— One of my little private fantasies.

“A brief moment of self-image re-alignment…”— My fragile self-ego gets crushed at a call-back audition for “Barefoot in the Park.”

“The miracle of burf…”— I spend part of the day my nephew is born embarrassing myself in front of a cute bookstore employee.

“Shallow Tim…”— My embarrassing shallowness is revealed to me while attending a show at my old college.

 





You lie…

12 09 2009

A friend of mine posted this video on her Facebook recently.  It’s of President Obama’s recent speech regarding his health care plan, with Joe Wilson interrupting him with “You lie” at one point.  It’s a pretty awesome video for those of you who, like me, are really hoping our government moves closer to the British form, where they just scream over the top of each other for six hours, and somehow make a law.  It’s pretty awesome, and a damn sight more interesting than CSPAN.

But that’s not what I’m here to write about.  What I’m here to write about is something that has been brewing in my brain area for a while now and seeing this video has brought out.  The health care debate is a big deal in this country right now.  My friend’s post of this video prompted FORTY REPLIES at last count.  Forty fucking replies.  I only got half way through reading them, and during that time I masturbated three times.  Not because people debating the intricate nuances of our capitalistic insurance system on a social networking site that also contains quizzes entitled “Which ‘Sex and the City’ character are you?” gets me turned on, but because I was so bored and confused by the halfway point that fwapping myself to orgasm was the only way to make myself feel better.

Here’s what I don’t understand folks: How can ANYONE except possibly the nerdiest Harvard economics professor have strong opinions about this health care debate?  IT’S TOO FUCKING CONFUSING!  Yet people debate it like it’s something fundamentally obvious like not molesting children or gay marriage.  Quick message to you folks: It’s not.  Behold:

STANDARD LIBERAL/DEMOCRAT POSITION ON HEALTH CARE DEBATE:

People shouldn’t die just because that can’t afford health insurance, nor should they go bankrupt or be financially ruined because of an unexpected medical expense.

I 100% agree.  I also think children shouldn’t die of cancer, husbands shouldn’t abuse their wives, and that hooker should have told me she had gonorrhea before she charged me a bill for that BJ.  But, those things do happen.  We live in a world of realities, and saying people shouldn’t die because they can’t afford medical expenses doesn’t help solve the problem of HOW WE DISTRIBUTE MEDICAL TREATMENT.

STANDARD CONSERVATIVE/REPUBLICAN POSITION ON HEALTH CARE DEBATE:

The government shouldn’t be put in charge of something as important as health care…they’re idiots and can’t do anything right.  We should let the free market decide where medical treatment goes.

Yeah, it does seem insane to put the government in charge of something as important as health care.  I mean, it’s one thing to have the government completely in control of trivial thinks like protecting our borders, enforcing the laws of the land, and establishing the rights and liberties we all live by.  But now you want them to get involved in setting my dislocated shoulder?  Fuck you government, and you’re trying to make society a better, more cooperative place to live ways. /sarcasm  Look fellas, the government is already three feet up your asshole, and have their pointer finger buried in just about every part of the plum pie that is our lives already…there is no logical reason why health care is just “automatically” supposed to be an exception.  Moaning about how government is the cause, not solution, to our problems doesn’t help solve the problem of HOW WE DISTRIBUTE MEDICAL TREATMENT.

You know what I think?  I think most of you getting your assholes clenched about this issue probably don’t know the first damn thing about this country’s health care system, Obama’s plan, or how any of this shit will affect anything.  Do you know what I base that on?  The fact that I am a reasonably well educated, intelligent, and attentive adult, and I don’t know THE FIRST DAMN THING ABOUT HOW ANY OF THIS SHIT WILL AFFECT ANYTHING!  And yes, I acknowledge that many people know more than me.  But many people know far less…yet it seems everyone but me is SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS ABOUT HOW THIS IS SO OBVIOUS AND IT SHOULD BE THE WAY THEY SAY.  And it pisses me off.  Because you people that have no idea what you are talking about…and you people know damn well who you are…are only spazzing because you are liberal/conservative and this is how a liberal/conservative should feel about this issue and your way is clearly the right way.  And I know many of you are reading this, shaking your head, clucking your tongue at me, and saying, “Oh, no Tim.  I got this whole super-complicated, infinite variabled, distribution of limited medical resources equation completely figured out, and I know for a fact everyone who disagrees with me is completely in the wrong.”

And to that I say, in the immortal words of Joe Wilson, “You lie.”





This will end well…

13 07 2009

cunningplan

The governor of Arizona today signed a bill that would allow Arizonian’s (?) to carry a concealed handgun into a bar.  According to the USA Today:

Opponents have said mixing guns and alcohol produces a dangerous combination that could cause violence. Supporters said people should be able to protect themselves at businesses that serve alcohol. Supporters also said it was risky to leave guns in parked vehicles.

Pretty solid fucking logic in my book.  Let the drinkin’ and shootin’ commence!





Why it’s important…

5 07 2009

As far as political issues are concerned, I am of the belief that the fight for gay marriage is, if not the most important battle going on in the country, certainly in the top two or three.  This contradiction may surprise people who know that I am 1) Straight and that I 2) Feel that marriage is, at best, a somewhat silly abstraction based on a promise no sane person can honestly make and, at worst, a relationship destroying arrangement.  So, why so serious about gay marriage, Tim?  I have a variety of reasons, ranging from the noble to the completely selfish.  But let’s just focus on one of the most important reasons today.

This is a video shot recently during Gay Pride in Minneapolis by a friend of a friend (I am assuming I have permission to use it, since it was posted on YouTube).  A man was approached by a group of mostly youngish looking residents, asked if he was gay, and when he responded yes, the following occurred:

Now to be fair here, this could be looked at as relatively tame.  Nobody got hurt, thankfully.  But I don’t know about anyone else, but can you imagine the fear of having this many people following you for two full minutes, screaming at you about how the hate you and your lifestyle.  Frankly, I’m amazed that this gentleman was walking so calmly.  You better believe my skinny white ass would have been going full Forrest Gump out of there.

I think the very telling aspect of this video, though, is the age of the harrassers.  They all look to be under 16, and some of them look like they are in the 11 to 12 range.  Now there are a couple of different ways to interpret that.  One school of thought says, “Ah, kids will be kids, and they will grow out of it.”  Maybe.  However, another way of looking at this is that these kids are being taught (and yes, have no doubt about it, it something that is taught) to hate gays very, very early.  How is this happening?

Here is a clip from Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly show aired during the last presidential election:

(On a quick unrelated side note: Anyone else notice how Bill O’Reilly interviews this woman?  Respectfully, never interrupting her, making sure he chooses his words carefully when paraphrasing her beliefs?  And you just know if this was someone arguing for gay marriage he’d be screaming his head off and not letting them get two words in?  Yeah, fuck you “Fox News” and your Fair and Balanced bullshit…)

If you don’t want to sit and watch the whole thing (I don’t blame you), here are the cliff notes: O’Reilly is interviewing a woman who represents a “Marriage Group” first lobbying to have marriage defined as solely between a man and a woman.  The basic summary of her argument: Well, golly gee, Bill, you know I love the gays just as much as the next person, and that’s why we have laws about civil unions and such and such, and shouldn’t the gays just be happy with that and leave the whole marriage thing to us breeders?  If you have gays marrying each other and being all married and openly happy and whatnot, then I gotta go home and explain to my kids about gay people.!

Exactly.  And that’s why this issue is so important.  By keeping homosexual relationships relegated to “civil unions” or other pseudo-marriage offshoots, we make a statement as a society, whether we intend to or not.  And that statement is: Homosexual relationships aren’t the same as heterosexual relationships.  They are [weird/evil/different/not as important/unhealthy].  And the fact of that matter is, they’re not different.  Make friends with a gay couple, and watch them go through the same cycle of puppy love, happiness, bullshit fighting, annoyance, lust, complacency, and trust issues as any other couple, and then tell me what the difference is.  And as long as we keep marriage as some sort of “sacred” unattainable club that gays aren’t allowed to be a part of, we send a message as a society to all our children that there is something wrong with being gay.  And then, well…see above video.

Now, since I am completely unable to write anything sincere and meaningful without immediately following it up with some lame attempt at humor (a fact which the cast and crew currently working on the Fringe show are well aware), here is a video clip from an old after school special about steroids starring a young Ben Affleck, set to Benny Hill music.  Enjoy.  (Note: This video was stolen from Film Drunk, who probably stole it from someone else.  So, credit where credit is almost due.)





The Tubelessness Problem… (Plus: The Joker turns over a new leaf…)

22 03 2009

I don’t think any of us like thinking about the homeless.  I know I don’t.  It’s a depressing problem that distracts me from the important parts of my life, like deciding whether to flat-call or 3-bet preflop with QQ and the new episode of “24.”  Seriously, I don’t have time to think about depressing poor people with that shit on my mind.  But when I do think about them, it’s hard not to wonder what type of circumstances force someone into that sort of life, and what line of thinking leads them to beg, prostitute themselves, or even steal.  Recently, I got a taste of how one might do things they never imagined in a desperate situation.  (Though this taste, to be fair, came in “spoiled white boy without a care in the world” flavor.)

Tugs at your heart strings, doesn't it?  I mean, it doesn't tug hard enough to make you want to do something about it...but enough to make you speed up so you don't have to look at it as long.

Tugs at your heart strings, doesn't it? I mean, it doesn't tug hard enough to make you want to do something about it...but enough to make you speed up so you don't have to look at it as long.

I recently made my second ever trip to Water Park of America, which, as readers of this blog know, is “America’s Biggest Indoor Water Park Hotel!” and also may or may not be owned by a floating-or-very-tall ancient chinese man.  Now if you have never been to Water Park of America (America’s Biggest Indoor Water Park Hotel!), you need to know that they have two different types of water slides: the regular kind where you just scoot down on your bum and/or back, and tube slides, which are bigger slides you ride down on an inflatable inter-tube.  You also need to know that the regular slides kind of suck: the joints where the pieces of slide come together have a tendency to scratch up your bum and/or back.  The tube slides, however, are the bomb, but they also have a problem: you need a tube.  The tubes at Water Park of America (America’s Biggest Indoor Water Park Hotel!) are distributed in a very random, unorganized, and wonderfully American way: it’s first come, first serve, and once you have a tube you keep it for as long as you can keep your hands on it.

So yesterday, K-Bell and I find ourselves at Water Park of America (America’s Biggest Indoor Water Park Hotel!), desperately wanting to go down the tube slides (as we had already torn our backsides up something fierce on the regular slides), but lacking a tube.  And as it was a Saturday, the evening, and plenty busy, there was not a spare tube to be found.  Every tube in the joint was in the greedy hands of some snotty eight year old or cute couple or, in rare cases, entire families, who piled onto a single tube five at a time and floated through the water park like some sort of fat, human barge.

Plan A for K-Bell and I to take ourselves out of the rank of the “tubeless” and become proud, responsible tube owners: begging.  We stood along the shores of the large pool where the two tube slides emptied it’s blessed riders out, thinking someone coming off the ride might be tube-slided out and decide to pass their bounty on to us.  The problem: there was a crowd almost three people deep waiting at that exact spot.  Of course, I thought, this is the most obvious begging spot.  We’ll never get a tube here.

So we searched for less obvious spots to set up our pity-shop.  The mouth between the stream and the wave pool…nope, already a fat lady and her fat kids standing there, imploring everyone who floated past for a little tube charity.  Moving further up the stream that went around the water park, we found fewer fellow tubeless to compete with, but also comparatively fewer tubers from which to attempt to scam off of.  It was the ultimate Catch-22.

Begging clearly wasn’t going to work.  The next level we sunk to: prostitution.  “Go up to one of these little boys and tell them you’ll show them your boobs for their tube,” I suggested to K-Bell.  I thought that was a fair trade, and would probably make the decade of some lucky nine or ten year old.

“Why don’t you find some little girl on a tube and show her your penis?” K-Bell countered.  I considered this briefly, and wondered if an evening of magical tube sliding would be worth jail time and having to spend the rest of my life knocking on my neighbors doors and greeting them with, “Hello, I just moved into the neighborhood, and I am required by law to inform you that…”

Prostitution was out.  It was at this point that I began to genuinely resent the people with tubes.  Each and every one of them just looked…arrogant.  Smug.  Floating past me, on their tubes, splashing happily.  Cocky, unconcerned in their tube-filled world.  I noticed that the lucky tubers seemed to avoid eye-contact with those unfortunate tubeless.  Why the hell did these assholes deserve a tube, when I have none, I wondered to myself?  Many of the tubers were not even going down the tube slide! They were just floating pointlessly, not even using the tube for it’s God-given purpose.  One group we walked past had their tube leaned up again the rail, covered in wet towels, while they smugly ate dinner.  What a waste!  I didn’t just resent the people with tubes…I hated them!  They thought they were so much better than us, just because they lucked out and got a tube!  Fuckers fuckers fuckers!

About the tubes: there are two different types.  Regular, and double tubes, which is like two of them joined together, Siamese style.  These double tubes could be used by two people (such as K-Bell and I) to go down the slides together.  As K-Bell noted, there were several people, usually small children, using double tubes by themselves.  Again, what a waste!  K-Bell came up with the great idea of asking two of these people to join up, and ride one of these double tubes together, so that we could use a double tube.  We contemplated this “redistribution” of the tube wealth, and although it sounded great to us, we realized that the tube owners would be unlikely to just voluntarily share one tube when they already had one all to themselves.

Though it shames me greatly, I must confess that at this point I had a dark thought: the only way K-Bell and I would ever acquire the precious tube we needed to enjoy tube-sliding goodness…was to take someone  else’s.  I looked around, trying to find someone who might carelessly turn their back on their tube, allowing me to quickly grab it in their moment of inattention and run off with it.  Or, perhaps a small child or elderly person, who wouldn’t be able to put up much of a fight…it would be so easy to dump one of them into the water, and as they attempted to resurface and regain their bearings, steal away with their precious water-vehicle.

Alas, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Eventually, realizing it was hopeless and that we would never be able to enter that wonderful, magical world of full-fledged tube ownership, K-Bell and I left the park, our heads hung low, our hearts broken, and our minds empty of any beautiful, laughing, tube-sliding memories.  I don’t think anyone with a tube noticed we were gone.

*****

A quick bonus story, unrelated to the one above except for the fact that it occurred while K-Bell and I were eating dinner that night.  This story either illustrates the difference between boys and girls, or illustrates the tragic lack of “Batman” knowledge being taught to our young.  You choose.

When I was recovering from my surgery in August, K-Bell, knowing my love for Batman, bought me one of the Batman action figures that were popular at the time due to the recent release of the movie “The Dark Knight.”  During dinner, she told me that for my upcoming stay in the hospital, she had looked for a “Joker” action figure to go with it, but was unable to find one.  She ended this story by sarcastically lamenting, “So Batman won’t have a friend to go with him.”  This ridiculous statement prompted the following conversation between us, which I am paraphrasing:

Me: Batman and Joker aren’t friends.

K-Bell: Well, you know what I mean.  Sometimes they’re friends.

Me: I most definitely don’t know what you mean.  They are never friends.

K-Bell: Sure, when you were a little kid, you know, didn’t you ever [she mimics enacting a fight with the two action figures] but then sometimes you’re all like [she mimics having Batman and Joker holding hands or having tea together or something] “Oh, hey, we’re friends today.”

Me: No.  Never.  Batman and Joker are never ever ever friends.

K-Bell: Never?  So they just keep fighting forever?  The Joker never learns his lesson or something?

Me: No.  Never

Bless your heart, K-Bell: the only person I know who has so much faith in humanity and goodness that she thinks the motherfucking Joker can turn over a new leaf.





I couldn’t have said it better myself…

3 12 2008

With all the bitching I have done about this man, and so much left unsaid…this sums it up just about perfectly…





Unfit to lead…

1 11 2008

The election is now less than four days away(cue ecstatic cheering from fed up people), and though of course I am very interested in the Presidential election, I have to be honest and say the election I am much more interested in is Al Franken versus Norm Coleman for Senate.

I’m not going to lie to you people…I fucking love Al Franken. Not Al Franken on SNL…he was okay on that…but political Al Franken. His books are incredible, and I honestly believe NO ONE should be allowed to vote until they have read “The Truth.” It doesn’t matter where you are politically, the book is an eye opener.

However, here is the problem…Al Franken isn’t going to win. Unfortunately for him, he was a comedy writer in his past job, and still is a very straight talking, funny, sometimes sarcastic, passionate guy. Which means there is TONS AND TONS AND TONS of awesome quotes to be taken way out of context from him to make him look horrible. Also, he’s running against a guy who is in training to be the primary Republican attack dog, and is basically a standard, sleezy, all-round snake-oil salesman type politican. So needless to say, he is getting hammered in ads that make him look like a porno-writing, women-hating, serial-raping communist. Oops.

This issue got me to thinking: I could never run for political office. Not that I have any plans of ever wanting to, but if I did, I’d be screwed. Forgot about careless things I may have said when someone was recording or paying attention, my blogs alone are FILLED with material to be taken out of context and made to make me look sleazy. For fun, I went back through my old blogs and pulled out the quotes I imagined would be used against me in a heated political campaign. Accompanied with each quote is a link to the blog it is from, so you can see how it looks in context.

“I sort of wish some more people my own age would get cancer.” (Stuff and stuff and stuff and stuff…)

“The cost of the drugs I am taking…is at least $1,000 a night.” (Never a dull moment…)

“It’s business as usual for me from this point forward: bangin’ bitches, drinkin’ beers, and chewin’ gum.” (I’m not dead…)

“I’m a giant slut.” (What would Daniel Day-Lewis do?…)

“I got caught up in the random little distractions that make life such a joy…burying the random hookers body…” (This is where your free time goes to die…)

“I won’t work with the black guys.” (Sitting duck…)

“…my real passion is training dogs to rip each others faces off.” (Let’s talk about…)

“…theories as to why God made the I35 bridge fall…and perhaps ideas about other structures God can collapse to punish gay people for their horrible, dirty, sinfully arousing ways.” (Reunion…)

“They hate us because they hate our freedom…to have sex with a gangly, semi-creepy looking white guy…” (If you don’t have sex with me, the terrorists win…)

“…have Tom Selleck masturbate into the blender…” (Piss off, LeVar Burton…)

“I’m…saying it’s a good thing to take advantage of a passed out female…” (Drunk…)

“I knew I should have just had sex with the T-Mobile guy…” (SWM writer ISO friendly, inquisitive myspaces for NSA blog reading…)

“…I laugh about the midgets.” (Joy…)

“I have a liquidy substance that shoots out of my penis during sex…” (Stuff about things…)

“I can’t think of a better way to recognize Jesus’ death and resurrection than by chucking a 15-pound steel ball down a narrow, wooden path and into a mass of tightly grouped, curvey-cone shaped objects over and over again.” (Celebrating Christ’s love…WITH FIGHTING!)

“Fuck dying AIDS children.” (Chick flick…)

“…I’m going to surf the internet for porn and free music downloads.” (Cruise control…)

And then of course, there is this picture, back by popular demand:

Photobucket

Yes, I’m sure someone will find that very useful in a campaign against me. But to be fair…my legs look GREAT in that shot.

Also it’s important to note…these are just a few quotes I managed to get skimming only half my blogs. I’m sure I missed many gems that a more diligent campaign manager could find and pull out against me.

Sorry, Al.





Stuff and stuff and stuff and stuff…

30 10 2008

I haven’t written in a while, because…well, I have nothing to say. And I still don’t, but it would be a shame to let this valuable web-space go to waste. Also: I’m drunk. So here is me writing stuff about things:

Do we really have to let EVERYONE vote?

Okay, so back when Jesus came over on the Mayflower and wrote the Constitution, the law was only white, male land-owners could vote. That was bad. We have progressed as a society, and now everybody gets a vote. And I can’t help but wondering if we’ve gone a little too far.

For example, did you know there are people out there who actually, genuinely believe Barack Obama is secretly a terrorist who, if elected, will convert the entire country to Islam? And that there are people who, with a straight face, claim that John McCain will declare war on every other country and cause the collapse of civilization? “The Daily Show” did a great bit a couple of nights ago, sending a corespondent to both a McCain and an Obama rally. Watch the episode here, if it pleases you. If you don’t want to watch it, let me summarize it for you. There are some dumb people, out there. Like…mind numbingly, soul crushing, losing all faith in humanity, dumb. And these people get to vote. And their vote counts just as much as yours and mine. Which means, hypothetically, if I decided to go vote for Obama, my vote will just be canceled out by some some moron that thinks Obama is related to Saddam Hussein because his middle name is Hussein.

Are you fucking serious?

I’m sorry, but I think there should be a pop quiz when you go to vote. If you ACTUALLY think Obama is a terrorist that will force everyone to pray to Allah, or whatever, or you ACTUALLY think McCain is going to force all your gay friends to marry people of the opposite sex and read the Bible every morning, you don’t get to vote. Period. Also, I get to take you out back and wack you with various tough-but-non-permanent-mark-leaving objects.

Singing and dancing becomes cool again. Wait…singing and dancing were never cool! What the hell is going on here?

“High School Musical 3” is currently the #1 grossing movie in the country(see?). And I think that’s neat.

(Note: In order to get the correct interpretation of that last line, please picture me making a sarcastic wanking motion with my hand while saying it. Thanks.)

high school musical Pictures, Images and Photos

High School Musical: Where my soul goes to die and subsequently get anally raped by Satan for all eternity. Also: what’s the deal with the blond dude in the upper right corner? I have no idea who he is, but I’ve never wanted to punch someone so badly in my life.

I promised myself this would be a cancer free blog, but…

I have a question: Am I the ONLY person in the world under the age of 85 with cancer? Seriously, every time I go in for a doctors appointment, the God damn waiting room looks like Sunday morning at Perkins. Not that I would EVER wish cancer on anyone, but…I sort of wish some more people my own age would get cancer. You know, just so I have someone to talk to in the waiting room about something other than grandkids, hard candy, how loud music is nowadays, and what joint is aching on them today. Also, they smell bad.

How many old people stereotypes did I work into that last paragraph? I was aiming for five. Did I get five? I count five.

I should be in bed and I have to pee, so I think that is the end of this blog. Oh…I think I just thought of a clever ending catchphrase…





Fuck you (Presidential Election Edition)…

19 09 2008

“Fuck” is like, the best word ever…when someone finally says, “Hey, fuck you,” there’s nothing better. I just look at them and go, “Yeah, that’s right. Fuck me. Good use of fuck right there”…once somebody hits you with “fuck you” that’s it. There’s nothing better, there’s nothing above. You can’t come back with, “Oh, fuck me? Yeah? Gaylord!”

—Dane Cook, Harmful If Swallowed

In my Old MySpace Blog (henceforth known as the OMB), I wrote a blog entitled “Fuck you…” As I mentioned in this blog, usually when I am writing about a subject, my English degree demands that I use persuasive arguments that are logic and fact based rather than emotional. But that shit’s boring! And sometimes it’s just cathartic, instead of trying to be reasonable, to just look at who or whatever is pissing you off, and giving it a big “Fuck you!”

So come along and join me. It’ll be fun!

Right now the primary source of my rage is the presidential election. I got a whole bag full of “fuck you’s” to hand out on this subject. If you are staunchly anti-political, please feel free to skip the first chunk of this blog and start reading at the bold section titled “NON-POLITICAL FUCK YOU’S”. Or feel free to not read my blog at all. What, you think I need your approval? Do you? DO YOU?

Please like me.

POLITICAL FUCK YOU’S

Democrats and other Obama suppoerters

Obviously like most elections in our country now days, this presidential election has turned into a “what-crappy-thing-can-I-say-about-the-other-guy?” fest, rather than any intelligent discussion about how we can make our society a more tolerable place to live. Here are some common zingers Obama supporters have been using against John McCain:

1) John McCain is old. I seriously can’t get 3 seconds into a political discussion, or 10 words into a piece of political writing, before I have to hear or see some moron say: “ZOMG, McCain iz soooo oldz, lol. He’s, like, gonna die anys minute.” No fucking way! John McCain is OLD!?!? Incredible. Hey, you know what? FUCK YOU, OBAMA SUPPORTERS! He’s 72 and looks like he is in great shape. He’s going to have access to the best medical care possible (I mean, he’d be the fucking President, get real here), and, realistically, all things being equal…wouldn’t you prefer someone older being President? Do you really want some 35-year old who is going to miss the next big International Environmental Conference because he scores front row tickets to Van Halen? With age brings wisdom…respect your elders, people. Or at least get off their damn lawns.

2) John McCain is just a continuation of George Bush. My next favorite little saying: every half-assed liberal wannabe I know has at some point either uttered, or used as their Facebook quote, the saying: “John McCain…he should be named John McSame!” BLAH HA HA HA HA HA! Get it? Okay, see “Cain” and “Same” almost kind of rhyme, only they pretty much don’t, just like McCain is exactly the same as George W. Bush, only he pretty much isn’t. Do you people even remember the 2000 Republican primary? These two HATED EACH OTHERS GUTS. Granted, McCain sucked it up during the 2004 election and basically got in line behind Bush’s re-election, and you can criticize him for that if you want. But anyone who thinks that a John McCain presidency will in any way resemble a George Bush presidency is just a blindly loyal Democrat ball licker who wants “there guy” to win, without any regard to balancing the real pluses and minuses of each candidate. FUCK YOU, OBAMA SUPPORTERS.

Republicans and McCain supporters

Of course the sturdy right-wing side of our countries political spectrum isn’t being anymore reasonable. Here are the two most infuriating arguments I have to listen to about Obama:

1) Barack Obama has no experience. “What has Barack Obama done?” McCain supporters ask. “How is he fit to be President?” Every time I hear this argument, the question I can’t help but have pop in my brain is, “How many times has John McCain been President again?” The answer, of course, is a big fat ZERO. Does anyone really think President is a job you can get experience at without ACTUALLY BEING THE PRESIDENT. I mean, I guess governor is almost kind of close, but not really, and neither of these guys have been the governor of a state. You could be President of another country, but I’m not sure any voters would go for that. The fact of the matter is, experience would be great, but I think the primary qualities of a good President would be someone who is intelligent, cares about making our country better, well-spoken, and with an ability to work with a large variety of people to solve problems. With that in mind, both of these men seem plenty qualified to me (way over-qualified, if you judge by how the position is filled currently). So, sorry, but FUCK YOU MCCAIN SUPPORTERS!

2) Obama will astronomically raise your taxes. This one has been a head scratcher for me, not just in this election but in the last several elections, where Republicans have somehow performed one of the greatest magic tricks ever and convinced the American public that Democrats will come into office and take all your money. I think McCain supporters honestly believe that if he is elected, they will live in a paradise world where they pay almost no taxes, and magical fairies build and repair the roads, educate their children, and fight the wars they love to fight so much. Okay folks, first off all it’s time for a reality check on a couple different issues. First, like gas prices, your taxes ARE NEVER GOING DOWN. Ever. How can I, a mere liberal arts major with no economic background tell you this? It’s a simple fact of life: once any organization, be it a single person, a family, a business, or the government, get used to operating with a certain amount of money, it is EXTRAORDINARILY difficult to go back to less money. How much would any of you have to hate your job before you’d be willing to go to a job that pays half as much? Or even just 3/4 as much? Could you even hate it that much? Or would you stick it out until you found something that pays the same? I know what I would do.

So. Your taxes aren’t going down. The only questions remain, then, are: Will they go up? By how much? And, most importantly, WHO IS GOING TO DO THE BULK OF THE PAYING? Now, Obama and McCain are both going to talk a lot of shit, because it is an election and that is what you do, but realistically, I don’t think either of them could honestly answer any of those questions with any degree of accuracy right now. They would need to get into office first, see what the situation is, who needs money and how much, etc etc. However, we can use the past history of the parties to give us a clue as to how this will play out. Thanks to a washed up B-actor who somehow managed to get himself elected President and will remain nameless, (by the way, did you know before said actor was President, he sold out a ton of his friends to the House Committee on Un-American Activities for being communisits, though they mostly weren’t, used American hostages as leverage to get elected to his first term, and sold weapons terrorist organizations and then lied about it? Yeah, a quick off-topic FUCK YOU, RONALD REGAN…oops, I named him), Republicans have had this wonderful idea that if rich people, particularly business owners, pay very little in taxes, the economy will run great because they will use all this extra money to employee poor and middle class people, an idea that both observation and a little logic shows is utter bullshit (rich people don’t use that extra money they save in taxes to employee people, they use it to buy a fleet of 27 luxury cars they don’t need…FUCK YOU, P-DIDDY).

Democrats, however, are more inclined to think that maybe we shouldn’t crush already poor people and struggling middle class people with higher taxes, and instead get that money from the rich and super rich, who let’s face it, can afford it. Right-wingers will bitch about this being class warfare, and how they shouldn’t be punished for being successful, and blah blah blah…

Whatever. I honestly have no intention of debating the rights or wrongs of this. But the point is, I think it’s pretty reasonable to believe that unless you are mega-rich, your taxes will not be going up under Obama. And if you are mega-rich…BLAH HA HA…well let’s be honest, you were never voting for anyone but McCain anyway. I mean, you probably contributed to his campaign, for God’s sake. So…FUCK YOU, MCCAIN SUPPORTERS

You

And finally, I’d like to take a quicksecond to say FUCK YOU to…you. That’s right…you know who you are. You are that person that is so intent on seeing “your guy” win this election, whatever election it happens to be, you don’t bother to debate issues and how each candidate would affect them. Instead you focus on what “that other guy” did, said, or might have done 15 years ago when he was a sophomore in college. You send me ridiculous e-mails with video clips about some tiny, tiny gaffe the other candidate made while being grilled by Sean Hannity. You post retarded bumper stickers and sayings on your MySpace page. You basically treat these elections like they are the big game between the Vikings and Packers: your team just has to win for no other reason than THE OTHER GUYS SUCK!…instead of treating it with the seriousness that selecting the people who make and enforce the laws we live under deserves. You ruin our election process, and make this time of year annoying and painful for the rest of us. FUCK YOU, YOU!

Also, please stop sending the e-mails. Seriously, no one cares what you think. 95% of people already know who they are voting for, if they vote at all. And the other five percent are just going to vote for the guy that is tallest:

Outcome Electoral vote winner Popular vote winner
Taller won 59 percent 65 percent
Shorter won 37 percent 30 percent
Same height 4 percent 5 percent

source:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heights_of_United_States_Presidents_and_presidential_candidates#The_taller_man_wins.3F

NON-POLITICAL FUCK YOU’S

Okay, this blog is getting long. I apologize, so I will make these ones brief. Some random other fuck you’s that have nothing to do with politics:

During the most recent MTV movie awards, host Russell Brand made some jokes about the Jonas Brothers and their “Promise Rings” that declare them as virgins until they are married. Apparently, former American Idol winner Jordin Sparks, who also wears a promise ring, was not amused.

If you don’t want to watch the video, the summary is she basically said anyone who doesn’t wear one of these rings and save themselves for marriage is a slut. Okay then, well…FUCK YOU, JORDIN SPARKS! First off, I won’t bother mentioning the fact that it is super easy to abstain from sex when you are a gross looking fat ass (oops, I just mentioned it). For the super-hot, sexually viral rest of us, it’s not so easy. Hey, Jordin Sparks, I like to have sex, but I’m not planning on getting married. Am I a slut? How about my friends, all of whom are very intelligent, secure individulas, and many of whom are…<gasp>…female, who also like to have sex, but are not married? Are they all sluts, too?

Here is the problem with sex and our attitude to it in this country, and why I will never support abstinence only education. We need to stop treating sex like it is an inherently dirty thing until you are in the confines of marriage, and instead treat it as what it is: a perfectly natural act that has inherent risks that need to be talked about and accounted for. Also, being a slut has nothing to do with who you have sex with, or with how many people, or if you are married or not. Being a slut is using sex to get people to like you, and not because you want to be having sex. Period.

And on a quick side note: are any of us really falling for this whole “The Jonas Brothers are virgins?” Didn’t we just go through all this shit with Britney Spears a few years ago, and now it comes out that, extremely unsurprisingly, she was banging people at 14. Who cares if any of these people are virgins or not? FUCK YOU, MUSIC PRODUCERS, for using these young kids sexuality as a ploy to sell records.

Also real quick…

FUCK YOU, CANCER! Seriously, if I have to spend one more god damn minute in a doctors waiting room, reading the same crappy magazines, staring at the same fish tanks, and having sex with the same big-chested nurses in the bathroom after they draw my blood, I’m gonna freak.

And…

FUCK YOU, COOL RANCH DORITOS! I mean, c’mon! Why are you so delicious? Do you seriously have to make me eat THE ENTIRE BAG! I am usually a very reasonable snacker, but once I put one of you in my mouth…that’s it baby! I ain’t stopping till I am licking the crumbs from the bottom of the bag like a homeless person. What the hell is all that multi-colored spice on there, anyway? Heroin?

Ahhh…didn’t that feel good? It did for me. I invite you all to leave your own “Fuck you’s” in the comment section below…you’ll feel better, trust me. Also, unlike K-Bell, I encourage political discussion on my blog, so feel free to “fuck you” some of my “fuck you’s” However, just remember this one important thing if you start arguing your political crap: I really don’t care what you think.





Piss off, Barack Obama…

10 07 2008

I generally try to avoid getting on my soap-box regarding politics. Mostly because I think the system we use to choose the people making our laws is ridiculous and flawed, but also because my high-profile acting/modeling/pitchman career demands that I not alienate anyone on either side of the political spectrum. As Michael Jordan once famously said, “Republicans buy shoes, too.” Like any other good aspiring actor/model, it’s important I keep my body ripped, my facial expression vacant, and my political views a deep, dark, horrible secret.

But I can no longer contain myself. There is currently a politician running for something called the “President of the United States,” which my personal assistant tells me is basically the most important political post in our country, and second most important human being in our country behind Oprah. And this politician is really pissing me off on so many levels, that I feel I just have to get it off my chest. Who is causing my Hulk-O-Meter to top out in the red? Barack Obama.

Throughout Obama’s primary campaign, and continuing now in the general election, Obama has consistently been positive, articulate, respectful, and intelligent. He has talked eloquently about working together with people on both sides of the political spectrum, placed great emphasis on our similarities rather than our differences, and refused to engage in the standard character-driven mudslinging that has become mandatory in our election process.

What an asshole!

Photobucket

Barack Obama, giving a speech. Probably saying soething positive, being uplifting, and otherwise just being a major douche-bag.

The signs of Obama’s cordial, uptight dickishness could be seen early on in his career as a Senator. In 2006, after attempting to work with his now opponent John McCain on a bill about ethics reform, McCain responded to Obama, accusing him, both sarcastically and quite pointedly, of being interested in politics over “public interest” and of basically all out lying. Obama responded to McCain’s letter with a letter of his own, which ended thusly:

I confess that I have no idea what has prompted your response. But let me assure you that I am not interested in typical partisan rhetoric or posturing. The fact that you have now questioned my sincerity and my desire to put aside politics for the public interest is regrettable but does not in any way diminish my deep respect for you nor my willingness to find a bipartisan solution to this problem. (You can read the full letter exchange here. )

Is this Obama guy a first class ass-biting cock-master, or what?

I mean, who the hell does he think he is? This is how politics works in our country: You propose a law or resolution, and if someone disagrees with you, you call them an unpatriotic retarded communist fag (or bitch if they are a woman. Or actually gay.) You don’t say something is “regrettable” but that you still have “deep respect” for the other person. That makes you look like a fucking pussy! Do you want all the other world leaders thinking our President is a pussy? At U.N. meetings they’re going to push him into his locker and take our countries tax money and then do that thing where they grab Obama’s hand and hit him in the face with it and say, “Why are you hitting yourself, Barack Obama? Why are you hitting yourself? Huh? Huh? Why are you hitting yourself?” Do you want that? DO YOU!?

Speaking of being a pussy, do you know what Barack Obama has proposed we do with other countries? When asked about how he would deal with Iran and their potential for developing nuclear weapons, Obama has said he would engage in “direct presidential diplomacy” with Iran’s leaders without “preconditions.” That’s right, folks. He wants to TALK to these people. I mean, can you even imagine it? TALK!

Listen here, Mr. Barack Obama, if that is even your real name and not some sort of terrorist code-name (am I right, Arkansas?), this is the U S of A. We don’t solve problems with talking. We solve problems with money. And if money doesn’t work, then we blow the problem up with missiles and bullets. Also, sometimes grenades, which isn’t exactly a missile, but is sort of like a missile you throw at the enemy and then it blows up next to the enemy. But you have to remember to pull the pin first, otherwise you’re basically just throwing a weird shaped ball at the enemy that does nothing. ANYWAY…the point is, we don’t work with other countries to solve problems with talking, we BLOW THEM THE HELL UP! That’s how my daddy did it, that’s how his daddy did it, and that’s how our forefathers did it, ever since George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Abraham Lincoln, John Wayne, and Tom Selleck came over on the Mayflower, and liberated this great nation from those godless, communist Indians. We bought the land from them with beads, then we killed them and took our fucking beads back and the land. As Stuart Scott would say, “Boo-yah.”

Okay, I know what you are all thinking at this point. You are thinking, “Tim, you just don’t like Barack Obama because he’s…you know…one of ‘those people'” And you are wrong…I don’t have a problem with him because he’s…you know. Okay, okay, okay, maybe I have a little bit of a problem with it. I can’t help it. You can acuse me of stereotyping, but it just seems like his type of people are always commiting crimes, having children out of wedlock, and doing drugs. All right, maybe we should just get this out in the open now. You all know what I’m talking about, so let’s just not be afraid to say it. Yes, Barack Obama is a…basketball player. He played varsity in high school, and still actively engages in the sport in his spare time. And I’m NOT prejudiced against basketball players or anything, but if you’ve watched any NBA games in recent years…well, I think you will agree with what I’m saying.

Photobucket

Obama posing with some other baketball players, right before they smoke some “reefer” and knock-up their girlfriends they aren’t married to.

This diatribe is coming off a little harsh, I realize. And I am nothing if not a positive person. So I will end this post on a good note. Like my mama used to tell me, “If you ain’t got nothing nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all.” So I will end this by saying something nice about Barack Obama.

Okay…

Um…

Hm…

OH! I’ve got it! Okay, here goes:

At least he’s not Hillary Clinton. I hate that fucking bitch.