Greatest Hits…

28 11 2009

I regularly get people who tell me that they recently started reading my blog, or recently got some other new person to start reading my blog.  That is cool and all, but every time I hear this I am painfully aware that blogs are organized from most recent post to earliest, and most people won’t ever get to some of my (in my opinion) more funny ramblings because they have to wade through my most recent stuff, which for the most part hasn’t been as interesting.

This realization inspired me to put together a quick hit list of what is, at least in my opinion, the better bits of nonsense I’ve managed to spew out since I started blogging.  This list cuts away the stupid whiny posts or silly quick gag posts, and instead focuses on the posts that, though I’m a little too close to the joke to actually laugh, make me smile inwardly.  So, if you are new to my blog, this is a list of posts I think you should seriously consider reading:

(Note: I’m including on this list posts from the my old MySpace blog as well.  I am not including anything I’ve written in the past six months…not that I don’t think I’ve written anything good in the past six months, but that stuff can all be found near the top pages of this blog.)

“The Tubelessness Problem…”— K-Bell and I are introduced to the harsh realities of tube capitalism at The Waterpark of America, plus we discuss the complicated relationship between Batman and The Joker.

“Everything really does happen for a reason…”— I experience divine intervention at the Taco Bell.  I’m actually fairly indifferent to this blog, but Nikki W. still claims it as her favorite of all time, so…there you go.

“Never a dull moment…”— The trials and tribulations of being sick.

“The list…”— A simple statement at a work meeting permanently fries my brain.

“I attend a lame open house BBQ, share an awkward evening with old friends, trip over some rocks, and play Mad-Libs…”— I think the title says it all.

“What would Daniel Day-Lewis do?…”— An approach to acting, the Daniel Day-Lewis way!

“Piss off, Barack Obama…”— A little political satire.

“Sitting duck…”— My co-workers insist on talking to me…about this stuff.

“If you don’t have sex with me, the terrorists win…”— 9/11 changed the way I attempt to get laid.

“Chick flick…”— One of my little private fantasies.

“A brief moment of self-image re-alignment…”— My fragile self-ego gets crushed at a call-back audition for “Barefoot in the Park.”

“The miracle of burf…”— I spend part of the day my nephew is born embarrassing myself in front of a cute bookstore employee.

“Shallow Tim…”— My embarrassing shallowness is revealed to me while attending a show at my old college.


You lie…

12 09 2009

A friend of mine posted this video on her Facebook recently.  It’s of President Obama’s recent speech regarding his health care plan, with Joe Wilson interrupting him with “You lie” at one point.  It’s a pretty awesome video for those of you who, like me, are really hoping our government moves closer to the British form, where they just scream over the top of each other for six hours, and somehow make a law.  It’s pretty awesome, and a damn sight more interesting than CSPAN.

But that’s not what I’m here to write about.  What I’m here to write about is something that has been brewing in my brain area for a while now and seeing this video has brought out.  The health care debate is a big deal in this country right now.  My friend’s post of this video prompted FORTY REPLIES at last count.  Forty fucking replies.  I only got half way through reading them, and during that time I masturbated three times.  Not because people debating the intricate nuances of our capitalistic insurance system on a social networking site that also contains quizzes entitled “Which ‘Sex and the City’ character are you?” gets me turned on, but because I was so bored and confused by the halfway point that fwapping myself to orgasm was the only way to make myself feel better.

Here’s what I don’t understand folks: How can ANYONE except possibly the nerdiest Harvard economics professor have strong opinions about this health care debate?  IT’S TOO FUCKING CONFUSING!  Yet people debate it like it’s something fundamentally obvious like not molesting children or gay marriage.  Quick message to you folks: It’s not.  Behold:


People shouldn’t die just because that can’t afford health insurance, nor should they go bankrupt or be financially ruined because of an unexpected medical expense.

I 100% agree.  I also think children shouldn’t die of cancer, husbands shouldn’t abuse their wives, and that hooker should have told me she had gonorrhea before she charged me a bill for that BJ.  But, those things do happen.  We live in a world of realities, and saying people shouldn’t die because they can’t afford medical expenses doesn’t help solve the problem of HOW WE DISTRIBUTE MEDICAL TREATMENT.


The government shouldn’t be put in charge of something as important as health care…they’re idiots and can’t do anything right.  We should let the free market decide where medical treatment goes.

Yeah, it does seem insane to put the government in charge of something as important as health care.  I mean, it’s one thing to have the government completely in control of trivial thinks like protecting our borders, enforcing the laws of the land, and establishing the rights and liberties we all live by.  But now you want them to get involved in setting my dislocated shoulder?  Fuck you government, and you’re trying to make society a better, more cooperative place to live ways. /sarcasm  Look fellas, the government is already three feet up your asshole, and have their pointer finger buried in just about every part of the plum pie that is our lives already…there is no logical reason why health care is just “automatically” supposed to be an exception.  Moaning about how government is the cause, not solution, to our problems doesn’t help solve the problem of HOW WE DISTRIBUTE MEDICAL TREATMENT.

You know what I think?  I think most of you getting your assholes clenched about this issue probably don’t know the first damn thing about this country’s health care system, Obama’s plan, or how any of this shit will affect anything.  Do you know what I base that on?  The fact that I am a reasonably well educated, intelligent, and attentive adult, and I don’t know THE FIRST DAMN THING ABOUT HOW ANY OF THIS SHIT WILL AFFECT ANYTHING!  And yes, I acknowledge that many people know more than me.  But many people know far less…yet it seems everyone but me is SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS ABOUT HOW THIS IS SO OBVIOUS AND IT SHOULD BE THE WAY THEY SAY.  And it pisses me off.  Because you people that have no idea what you are talking about…and you people know damn well who you are…are only spazzing because you are liberal/conservative and this is how a liberal/conservative should feel about this issue and your way is clearly the right way.  And I know many of you are reading this, shaking your head, clucking your tongue at me, and saying, “Oh, no Tim.  I got this whole super-complicated, infinite variabled, distribution of limited medical resources equation completely figured out, and I know for a fact everyone who disagrees with me is completely in the wrong.”

And to that I say, in the immortal words of Joe Wilson, “You lie.”

This will end well…

13 07 2009


The governor of Arizona today signed a bill that would allow Arizonian’s (?) to carry a concealed handgun into a bar.  According to the USA Today:

Opponents have said mixing guns and alcohol produces a dangerous combination that could cause violence. Supporters said people should be able to protect themselves at businesses that serve alcohol. Supporters also said it was risky to leave guns in parked vehicles.

Pretty solid fucking logic in my book.  Let the drinkin’ and shootin’ commence!

Why it’s important…

5 07 2009

As far as political issues are concerned, I am of the belief that the fight for gay marriage is, if not the most important battle going on in the country, certainly in the top two or three.  This contradiction may surprise people who know that I am 1) Straight and that I 2) Feel that marriage is, at best, a somewhat silly abstraction based on a promise no sane person can honestly make and, at worst, a relationship destroying arrangement.  So, why so serious about gay marriage, Tim?  I have a variety of reasons, ranging from the noble to the completely selfish.  But let’s just focus on one of the most important reasons today.

This is a video shot recently during Gay Pride in Minneapolis by a friend of a friend (I am assuming I have permission to use it, since it was posted on YouTube).  A man was approached by a group of mostly youngish looking residents, asked if he was gay, and when he responded yes, the following occurred:

Now to be fair here, this could be looked at as relatively tame.  Nobody got hurt, thankfully.  But I don’t know about anyone else, but can you imagine the fear of having this many people following you for two full minutes, screaming at you about how the hate you and your lifestyle.  Frankly, I’m amazed that this gentleman was walking so calmly.  You better believe my skinny white ass would have been going full Forrest Gump out of there.

I think the very telling aspect of this video, though, is the age of the harrassers.  They all look to be under 16, and some of them look like they are in the 11 to 12 range.  Now there are a couple of different ways to interpret that.  One school of thought says, “Ah, kids will be kids, and they will grow out of it.”  Maybe.  However, another way of looking at this is that these kids are being taught (and yes, have no doubt about it, it something that is taught) to hate gays very, very early.  How is this happening?

Here is a clip from Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly show aired during the last presidential election:

(On a quick unrelated side note: Anyone else notice how Bill O’Reilly interviews this woman?  Respectfully, never interrupting her, making sure he chooses his words carefully when paraphrasing her beliefs?  And you just know if this was someone arguing for gay marriage he’d be screaming his head off and not letting them get two words in?  Yeah, fuck you “Fox News” and your Fair and Balanced bullshit…)

If you don’t want to sit and watch the whole thing (I don’t blame you), here are the cliff notes: O’Reilly is interviewing a woman who represents a “Marriage Group” first lobbying to have marriage defined as solely between a man and a woman.  The basic summary of her argument: Well, golly gee, Bill, you know I love the gays just as much as the next person, and that’s why we have laws about civil unions and such and such, and shouldn’t the gays just be happy with that and leave the whole marriage thing to us breeders?  If you have gays marrying each other and being all married and openly happy and whatnot, then I gotta go home and explain to my kids about gay people.!

Exactly.  And that’s why this issue is so important.  By keeping homosexual relationships relegated to “civil unions” or other pseudo-marriage offshoots, we make a statement as a society, whether we intend to or not.  And that statement is: Homosexual relationships aren’t the same as heterosexual relationships.  They are [weird/evil/different/not as important/unhealthy].  And the fact of that matter is, they’re not different.  Make friends with a gay couple, and watch them go through the same cycle of puppy love, happiness, bullshit fighting, annoyance, lust, complacency, and trust issues as any other couple, and then tell me what the difference is.  And as long as we keep marriage as some sort of “sacred” unattainable club that gays aren’t allowed to be a part of, we send a message as a society to all our children that there is something wrong with being gay.  And then, well…see above video.

Now, since I am completely unable to write anything sincere and meaningful without immediately following it up with some lame attempt at humor (a fact which the cast and crew currently working on the Fringe show are well aware), here is a video clip from an old after school special about steroids starring a young Ben Affleck, set to Benny Hill music.  Enjoy.  (Note: This video was stolen from Film Drunk, who probably stole it from someone else.  So, credit where credit is almost due.)

The Tubelessness Problem… (Plus: The Joker turns over a new leaf…)

22 03 2009

I don’t think any of us like thinking about the homeless.  I know I don’t.  It’s a depressing problem that distracts me from the important parts of my life, like deciding whether to flat-call or 3-bet preflop with QQ and the new episode of “24.”  Seriously, I don’t have time to think about depressing poor people with that shit on my mind.  But when I do think about them, it’s hard not to wonder what type of circumstances force someone into that sort of life, and what line of thinking leads them to beg, prostitute themselves, or even steal.  Recently, I got a taste of how one might do things they never imagined in a desperate situation.  (Though this taste, to be fair, came in “spoiled white boy without a care in the world” flavor.)

Tugs at your heart strings, doesn't it?  I mean, it doesn't tug hard enough to make you want to do something about it...but enough to make you speed up so you don't have to look at it as long.

Tugs at your heart strings, doesn't it? I mean, it doesn't tug hard enough to make you want to do something about it...but enough to make you speed up so you don't have to look at it as long.

I recently made my second ever trip to Water Park of America, which, as readers of this blog know, is “America’s Biggest Indoor Water Park Hotel!” and also may or may not be owned by a floating-or-very-tall ancient chinese man.  Now if you have never been to Water Park of America (America’s Biggest Indoor Water Park Hotel!), you need to know that they have two different types of water slides: the regular kind where you just scoot down on your bum and/or back, and tube slides, which are bigger slides you ride down on an inflatable inter-tube.  You also need to know that the regular slides kind of suck: the joints where the pieces of slide come together have a tendency to scratch up your bum and/or back.  The tube slides, however, are the bomb, but they also have a problem: you need a tube.  The tubes at Water Park of America (America’s Biggest Indoor Water Park Hotel!) are distributed in a very random, unorganized, and wonderfully American way: it’s first come, first serve, and once you have a tube you keep it for as long as you can keep your hands on it.

So yesterday, K-Bell and I find ourselves at Water Park of America (America’s Biggest Indoor Water Park Hotel!), desperately wanting to go down the tube slides (as we had already torn our backsides up something fierce on the regular slides), but lacking a tube.  And as it was a Saturday, the evening, and plenty busy, there was not a spare tube to be found.  Every tube in the joint was in the greedy hands of some snotty eight year old or cute couple or, in rare cases, entire families, who piled onto a single tube five at a time and floated through the water park like some sort of fat, human barge.

Plan A for K-Bell and I to take ourselves out of the rank of the “tubeless” and become proud, responsible tube owners: begging.  We stood along the shores of the large pool where the two tube slides emptied it’s blessed riders out, thinking someone coming off the ride might be tube-slided out and decide to pass their bounty on to us.  The problem: there was a crowd almost three people deep waiting at that exact spot.  Of course, I thought, this is the most obvious begging spot.  We’ll never get a tube here.

So we searched for less obvious spots to set up our pity-shop.  The mouth between the stream and the wave pool…nope, already a fat lady and her fat kids standing there, imploring everyone who floated past for a little tube charity.  Moving further up the stream that went around the water park, we found fewer fellow tubeless to compete with, but also comparatively fewer tubers from which to attempt to scam off of.  It was the ultimate Catch-22.

Begging clearly wasn’t going to work.  The next level we sunk to: prostitution.  “Go up to one of these little boys and tell them you’ll show them your boobs for their tube,” I suggested to K-Bell.  I thought that was a fair trade, and would probably make the decade of some lucky nine or ten year old.

“Why don’t you find some little girl on a tube and show her your penis?” K-Bell countered.  I considered this briefly, and wondered if an evening of magical tube sliding would be worth jail time and having to spend the rest of my life knocking on my neighbors doors and greeting them with, “Hello, I just moved into the neighborhood, and I am required by law to inform you that…”

Prostitution was out.  It was at this point that I began to genuinely resent the people with tubes.  Each and every one of them just looked…arrogant.  Smug.  Floating past me, on their tubes, splashing happily.  Cocky, unconcerned in their tube-filled world.  I noticed that the lucky tubers seemed to avoid eye-contact with those unfortunate tubeless.  Why the hell did these assholes deserve a tube, when I have none, I wondered to myself?  Many of the tubers were not even going down the tube slide! They were just floating pointlessly, not even using the tube for it’s God-given purpose.  One group we walked past had their tube leaned up again the rail, covered in wet towels, while they smugly ate dinner.  What a waste!  I didn’t just resent the people with tubes…I hated them!  They thought they were so much better than us, just because they lucked out and got a tube!  Fuckers fuckers fuckers!

About the tubes: there are two different types.  Regular, and double tubes, which is like two of them joined together, Siamese style.  These double tubes could be used by two people (such as K-Bell and I) to go down the slides together.  As K-Bell noted, there were several people, usually small children, using double tubes by themselves.  Again, what a waste!  K-Bell came up with the great idea of asking two of these people to join up, and ride one of these double tubes together, so that we could use a double tube.  We contemplated this “redistribution” of the tube wealth, and although it sounded great to us, we realized that the tube owners would be unlikely to just voluntarily share one tube when they already had one all to themselves.

Though it shames me greatly, I must confess that at this point I had a dark thought: the only way K-Bell and I would ever acquire the precious tube we needed to enjoy tube-sliding goodness…was to take someone  else’s.  I looked around, trying to find someone who might carelessly turn their back on their tube, allowing me to quickly grab it in their moment of inattention and run off with it.  Or, perhaps a small child or elderly person, who wouldn’t be able to put up much of a fight…it would be so easy to dump one of them into the water, and as they attempted to resurface and regain their bearings, steal away with their precious water-vehicle.

Alas, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Eventually, realizing it was hopeless and that we would never be able to enter that wonderful, magical world of full-fledged tube ownership, K-Bell and I left the park, our heads hung low, our hearts broken, and our minds empty of any beautiful, laughing, tube-sliding memories.  I don’t think anyone with a tube noticed we were gone.


A quick bonus story, unrelated to the one above except for the fact that it occurred while K-Bell and I were eating dinner that night.  This story either illustrates the difference between boys and girls, or illustrates the tragic lack of “Batman” knowledge being taught to our young.  You choose.

When I was recovering from my surgery in August, K-Bell, knowing my love for Batman, bought me one of the Batman action figures that were popular at the time due to the recent release of the movie “The Dark Knight.”  During dinner, she told me that for my upcoming stay in the hospital, she had looked for a “Joker” action figure to go with it, but was unable to find one.  She ended this story by sarcastically lamenting, “So Batman won’t have a friend to go with him.”  This ridiculous statement prompted the following conversation between us, which I am paraphrasing:

Me: Batman and Joker aren’t friends.

K-Bell: Well, you know what I mean.  Sometimes they’re friends.

Me: I most definitely don’t know what you mean.  They are never friends.

K-Bell: Sure, when you were a little kid, you know, didn’t you ever [she mimics enacting a fight with the two action figures] but then sometimes you’re all like [she mimics having Batman and Joker holding hands or having tea together or something] “Oh, hey, we’re friends today.”

Me: No.  Never.  Batman and Joker are never ever ever friends.

K-Bell: Never?  So they just keep fighting forever?  The Joker never learns his lesson or something?

Me: No.  Never

Bless your heart, K-Bell: the only person I know who has so much faith in humanity and goodness that she thinks the motherfucking Joker can turn over a new leaf.

I couldn’t have said it better myself…

3 12 2008

With all the bitching I have done about this man, and so much left unsaid…this sums it up just about perfectly…

Unfit to lead…

1 11 2008

The election is now less than four days away(cue ecstatic cheering from fed up people), and though of course I am very interested in the Presidential election, I have to be honest and say the election I am much more interested in is Al Franken versus Norm Coleman for Senate.

I’m not going to lie to you people…I fucking love Al Franken. Not Al Franken on SNL…he was okay on that…but political Al Franken. His books are incredible, and I honestly believe NO ONE should be allowed to vote until they have read “The Truth.” It doesn’t matter where you are politically, the book is an eye opener.

However, here is the problem…Al Franken isn’t going to win. Unfortunately for him, he was a comedy writer in his past job, and still is a very straight talking, funny, sometimes sarcastic, passionate guy. Which means there is TONS AND TONS AND TONS of awesome quotes to be taken way out of context from him to make him look horrible. Also, he’s running against a guy who is in training to be the primary Republican attack dog, and is basically a standard, sleezy, all-round snake-oil salesman type politican. So needless to say, he is getting hammered in ads that make him look like a porno-writing, women-hating, serial-raping communist. Oops.

This issue got me to thinking: I could never run for political office. Not that I have any plans of ever wanting to, but if I did, I’d be screwed. Forgot about careless things I may have said when someone was recording or paying attention, my blogs alone are FILLED with material to be taken out of context and made to make me look sleazy. For fun, I went back through my old blogs and pulled out the quotes I imagined would be used against me in a heated political campaign. Accompanied with each quote is a link to the blog it is from, so you can see how it looks in context.

“I sort of wish some more people my own age would get cancer.” (Stuff and stuff and stuff and stuff…)

“The cost of the drugs I am taking…is at least $1,000 a night.” (Never a dull moment…)

“It’s business as usual for me from this point forward: bangin’ bitches, drinkin’ beers, and chewin’ gum.” (I’m not dead…)

“I’m a giant slut.” (What would Daniel Day-Lewis do?…)

“I got caught up in the random little distractions that make life such a joy…burying the random hookers body…” (This is where your free time goes to die…)

“I won’t work with the black guys.” (Sitting duck…)

“…my real passion is training dogs to rip each others faces off.” (Let’s talk about…)

“…theories as to why God made the I35 bridge fall…and perhaps ideas about other structures God can collapse to punish gay people for their horrible, dirty, sinfully arousing ways.” (Reunion…)

“They hate us because they hate our freedom…to have sex with a gangly, semi-creepy looking white guy…” (If you don’t have sex with me, the terrorists win…)

“…have Tom Selleck masturbate into the blender…” (Piss off, LeVar Burton…)

“I’m…saying it’s a good thing to take advantage of a passed out female…” (Drunk…)

“I knew I should have just had sex with the T-Mobile guy…” (SWM writer ISO friendly, inquisitive myspaces for NSA blog reading…)

“…I laugh about the midgets.” (Joy…)

“I have a liquidy substance that shoots out of my penis during sex…” (Stuff about things…)

“I can’t think of a better way to recognize Jesus’ death and resurrection than by chucking a 15-pound steel ball down a narrow, wooden path and into a mass of tightly grouped, curvey-cone shaped objects over and over again.” (Celebrating Christ’s love…WITH FIGHTING!)

“Fuck dying AIDS children.” (Chick flick…)

“…I’m going to surf the internet for porn and free music downloads.” (Cruise control…)

And then of course, there is this picture, back by popular demand:


Yes, I’m sure someone will find that very useful in a campaign against me. But to be fair…my legs look GREAT in that shot.

Also it’s important to note…these are just a few quotes I managed to get skimming only half my blogs. I’m sure I missed many gems that a more diligent campaign manager could find and pull out against me.

Sorry, Al.