Piss off, Barack Obama…

10 07 2008

I generally try to avoid getting on my soap-box regarding politics. Mostly because I think the system we use to choose the people making our laws is ridiculous and flawed, but also because my high-profile acting/modeling/pitchman career demands that I not alienate anyone on either side of the political spectrum. As Michael Jordan once famously said, “Republicans buy shoes, too.” Like any other good aspiring actor/model, it’s important I keep my body ripped, my facial expression vacant, and my political views a deep, dark, horrible secret.

But I can no longer contain myself. There is currently a politician running for something called the “President of the United States,” which my personal assistant tells me is basically the most important political post in our country, and second most important human being in our country behind Oprah. And this politician is really pissing me off on so many levels, that I feel I just have to get it off my chest. Who is causing my Hulk-O-Meter to top out in the red? Barack Obama.

Throughout Obama’s primary campaign, and continuing now in the general election, Obama has consistently been positive, articulate, respectful, and intelligent. He has talked eloquently about working together with people on both sides of the political spectrum, placed great emphasis on our similarities rather than our differences, and refused to engage in the standard character-driven mudslinging that has become mandatory in our election process.

What an asshole!


Barack Obama, giving a speech. Probably saying soething positive, being uplifting, and otherwise just being a major douche-bag.

The signs of Obama’s cordial, uptight dickishness could be seen early on in his career as a Senator. In 2006, after attempting to work with his now opponent John McCain on a bill about ethics reform, McCain responded to Obama, accusing him, both sarcastically and quite pointedly, of being interested in politics over “public interest” and of basically all out lying. Obama responded to McCain’s letter with a letter of his own, which ended thusly:

I confess that I have no idea what has prompted your response. But let me assure you that I am not interested in typical partisan rhetoric or posturing. The fact that you have now questioned my sincerity and my desire to put aside politics for the public interest is regrettable but does not in any way diminish my deep respect for you nor my willingness to find a bipartisan solution to this problem. (You can read the full letter exchange here. )

Is this Obama guy a first class ass-biting cock-master, or what?

I mean, who the hell does he think he is? This is how politics works in our country: You propose a law or resolution, and if someone disagrees with you, you call them an unpatriotic retarded communist fag (or bitch if they are a woman. Or actually gay.) You don’t say something is “regrettable” but that you still have “deep respect” for the other person. That makes you look like a fucking pussy! Do you want all the other world leaders thinking our President is a pussy? At U.N. meetings they’re going to push him into his locker and take our countries tax money and then do that thing where they grab Obama’s hand and hit him in the face with it and say, “Why are you hitting yourself, Barack Obama? Why are you hitting yourself? Huh? Huh? Why are you hitting yourself?” Do you want that? DO YOU!?

Speaking of being a pussy, do you know what Barack Obama has proposed we do with other countries? When asked about how he would deal with Iran and their potential for developing nuclear weapons, Obama has said he would engage in “direct presidential diplomacy” with Iran’s leaders without “preconditions.” That’s right, folks. He wants to TALK to these people. I mean, can you even imagine it? TALK!

Listen here, Mr. Barack Obama, if that is even your real name and not some sort of terrorist code-name (am I right, Arkansas?), this is the U S of A. We don’t solve problems with talking. We solve problems with money. And if money doesn’t work, then we blow the problem up with missiles and bullets. Also, sometimes grenades, which isn’t exactly a missile, but is sort of like a missile you throw at the enemy and then it blows up next to the enemy. But you have to remember to pull the pin first, otherwise you’re basically just throwing a weird shaped ball at the enemy that does nothing. ANYWAY…the point is, we don’t work with other countries to solve problems with talking, we BLOW THEM THE HELL UP! That’s how my daddy did it, that’s how his daddy did it, and that’s how our forefathers did it, ever since George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Abraham Lincoln, John Wayne, and Tom Selleck came over on the Mayflower, and liberated this great nation from those godless, communist Indians. We bought the land from them with beads, then we killed them and took our fucking beads back and the land. As Stuart Scott would say, “Boo-yah.”

Okay, I know what you are all thinking at this point. You are thinking, “Tim, you just don’t like Barack Obama because he’s…you know…one of ‘those people'” And you are wrong…I don’t have a problem with him because he’s…you know. Okay, okay, okay, maybe I have a little bit of a problem with it. I can’t help it. You can acuse me of stereotyping, but it just seems like his type of people are always commiting crimes, having children out of wedlock, and doing drugs. All right, maybe we should just get this out in the open now. You all know what I’m talking about, so let’s just not be afraid to say it. Yes, Barack Obama is a…basketball player. He played varsity in high school, and still actively engages in the sport in his spare time. And I’m NOT prejudiced against basketball players or anything, but if you’ve watched any NBA games in recent years…well, I think you will agree with what I’m saying.


Obama posing with some other baketball players, right before they smoke some “reefer” and knock-up their girlfriends they aren’t married to.

This diatribe is coming off a little harsh, I realize. And I am nothing if not a positive person. So I will end this post on a good note. Like my mama used to tell me, “If you ain’t got nothing nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all.” So I will end this by saying something nice about Barack Obama.




OH! I’ve got it! Okay, here goes:

At least he’s not Hillary Clinton. I hate that fucking bitch.



One response

11 07 2008

brilliant and hilarious.

i thought maybe you’d given up writing when your lady friend got back from her road trip; glad to see something new 🙂

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