Dear Stephenie Meyer…

8 12 2009

Dear Stephenie Meyer:


You don’t know me, but I of course know of you.  You are the author of the ridiculously popular Twilight series of novels, which are currently enjoying a place at the top of our pop culture food chain thanks to a series of movie adaptions that are being warmly received from your legions of fans.  I have never read one single word of a single Twilight novel; however, virtually every single credible source of criticism I know of has described you as an absolutely atrocious, hack writer, who is merely popular because she is playing on the hidden, buried desires of bored and neglected housewives and rejected teen girls.  I think this is bullshit.  You have a legion of, not just fans, but rabidly devoted fans.  Clearly your work has touched on something…I don’t pretend to understand what…but I fervently believe that great writing is all about stirring emotion in your reader, and from that respect you are clearly brilliant.  As a fellow writer, you have my most sincere respect and admiration.

My disconnect with the Twilight phenomenon extends to yourself, to the point where I had actually never seen a picture of you before.  Until today.  I don’t remember what particular random internet-surfing tangent led me to run into a photo of you, but I did, and I must admit I was quite shocked.  I assumed you’d be ugly.  Now that probably sounds like a very unfair comment, but let’s be honest, you are: A) a writer…not known for their superior looks, B) a writer of a thinly veiled abstinence parable, and the biggest champions of abstinence tend to be those who can’t get any anyway, and C) a writer of vampire novels.  Nobody is lining up around the block to sex Anne Rice.  So I made a, in hindsight very incorrect, assumption.

Stephenie Meyer, author of the "Twilight" saga. I'd hit it.

You are actually quite attractive.  Not supermodel beauty type attractive, of course, but that shit is boring anyway.  You look like a pleasant, somewhat nerdy type thing, with a nice rack.  Not to belabor the point, but again, I am very surprised.  And this fact brings me to the point of my letter to you today:

You and I should totally bang.

Seriously.  I think you’d enjoy it.  From one writer to another.  Now in the interest of full disclosure, I am not a shirtless, glistening werewolf; nor am I a glittering, super-strong emo vampire.  But nonetheless, I will bang the living daylights out of you.  To quote the text message of Tiger Woods: “I will wear you out…” Forget about Breaking Dawn or New Moon…your next book will be called Aching Vagina, because that is what you will have.  An aching vagina.  From my penis.

So think it over, Stephenie Meyer.  I will be awaiting you in my romantic, gothic love castle…otherwise known as my mom’s house.

Sexfully yours,

Tim Gage

EDIT: I will give a shiny nickle to the first Twilight fan who can tell me where I could electronically submit this letter to Stephenie Meyer via the internet.  I looked all over her official fan page and couldn’t find a spot to submit things.  Seriously, if someone finds a place, I will send this to her.



6 responses

8 12 2009

I was really looking forward to seeing if she’d file a restraining order against you, but I checked out her website and, unfortunately, this is what I found…

“For those of you hoping to find an email address or a way to contact Stephenie — I apologize. There is currently no way for fans to get in contact with her. Stephenie is still much too busy to re-open her fan email or snail mail addresses. Also, I cannot forward emails. She is in the process of writing/editing multiple books, and I think we can all agree that we would rather that she spends her time writing instead of reading thousands of emails every day.”

What a bitch.

8 12 2009

“…I think we can all agree that we would rather that she spends her time writing instead of reading thousands of emails every day.”

I actually strongly DISAGREE with this, but I guess I don’t have any say in the matter.

That sucks.

Oh and PS Joni…remind me to give you your nickle next time I see you 😉

8 12 2009

LOL, my mom’s house….it’s funny cause it’s true

13 12 2009

Hummmm, I guess I am guilty of believing she was an old fuddy duddy or something. . . . do you think it’s really her books or just the fact that people do love the vampire/human/dangerous/love relationship that is so taboo? just like the HBO show, True Blood? And of course, all the characters are dreamy! not snaggeled toothed & cold to the touch hard bodies!(they probably lisp with fangs!)
Vampires only recruit the beautiful people, right?
Thanks for letting me rant, pant pant. . .
Oh, and “they” don’t want SM to read emails because one bad letter may hurt her feelings or concentration. . . . then she’d stop writing or start drinking and we’d have gary busey on our hands!

26 12 2009

I think she’s unreachable because she’s not real. That picture looks like a glamour shot from 2003. There’s a Rockefeller behind everything.

3 01 2010

She is a married and lives with her husband and three kids in Phoenix, Arizona. BYU grad. Which means… there is a light in this bleak, vampirical darkness. The bitch is mormon. They are horny and have a penchant for collecting mates. Good luck to Tim Gage.

Here is a link to an entirely less-attractive photo of her.

and one where she looks fat.

Just in case you fail and need something to dry the tears.

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