Andy Rooney’s town is frackin’ great! And no, you don’t get to live there…

28 10 2009

As you are probably all aware, Andy Rooney is a correspondent for “60 Minutes” who has become famous for his end of show, home-spun, opinion segments.  Rooney generally veers wildly in his rants from being, at best, lame and irrelevant, to being, at worst, borderline racist and homophobic.  He is, in brief, hilarious.  I mocked one of his columns in an earlier MySpace blog entry, “Dear Mr. Rooney…” It was both a fun and easy time to write.

 

andy-rooney

Why so sexy, Andy Rooney?

 

So it was with great excitement that today, while idly surfing the internet, I discovered that Andy Rooney has a weekly column!  And they put it online!  Holy shit, this is like Christmas, your birthday, and finding out your girlfriend isn’t pregnant all wrapped in one!  I will never complain about not having any material for this blog again.

(Tim pulls up a comfortable chair, makes himself an orange juice and vodka, and kicks his feet back.)  Okay, Mr. Rooney…hit me with some crazy!

Some towns in the U.S. have good names and some do not.

Andy Rooney’s calling you out, Butte, Montana.

I have a home in a great town, and I’m not going to name the town for fear that everyone will want to come there.

Aw, c’mon, Andy Rooney!  Please tell me where you live, so I can rush out and by a twenty-acre property right now!

I like my homes and although I grew up in Albany, I don’t think of it with great affection. Albany is near towns like Troy and Cohoes, which I dislike for no better reason than I like Albany. The great thing about Troy for me was the fullback on my high school football team came from there.

It’s from him that I learned the simple beauty that can ensue from a man’s physical love of another man.

Albany doesn’t get much attention, considering it is the capital of New York State.

What, no “CSI: Albany?”  Andy Rooney calls bullshit!

The capital building itself is magnificent but Albanians don’t pay much attention to it. To its neighbors, it’s just another building in the way. I grew up as an “Albanian,” but my dictionary defines this word as “a native of Albania.” I am not a native of Albania. I’m a native of Albany, and for a part of the year I live in a town 35 miles from there. I wish this town (which I am not going to name) had been called something else, something easier to spell, but it wasn’t.

Still not going to tell us the name of your precious town, eh, Andy Rooney?  You big cock-tease…

I also go through Lake George Village on my way to our cottage on the lake. The lake is 32 miles in length…and what a beauty. I think many years ago the town’s politicians added the word Village to the name because the lake is better known than the town. Again, I won’t say the actual town where my home is because it’s great and I don’t want everyone to come there.

FUCK YOU, ANDY ROONEY, YOU FUCKING COCK-CHOMPING ASSHOLE!  WHY DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP RUBBING YOUR SUPER SECRET TOWN IN MY FACE!  Hey, look everyone, Andy Rooney’s town is great!  Apparently Butterfinger Blizzard flavored ice cream flows from the taps, and a member of the Spice Girls is available at every corner to give weary travelers a hand-job.  God damn it, Andy Rooney, you WILL tell me the location of your super secret awesome town.  Perhaps this torture droid will loosen your tongue…

Now, you might not be interested in this fact, but I make coffee using water I scoop up from the lake and then boil.

You might not be interested in this fact, but I wipe my ass from back to front.  I find it saves me an average of .07 seconds per wipe.

A lot of people have summer cottages away from the city where they visit all year long. It’s increasingly more difficult to find an out-of-the-way, beautiful vacation destination. If you are able to find a good place that doesn’t have many people, it doesn’t stay that way for long. Of course, we’re all part of the problem.

And by “we’re all” I mean “everyone who isn’t Andy Rooney.”

I don’t know what we’re going to do about overcrowding. There’s just no doubt that there are too many of us for the limited number of good places we have to go on vacation.

Good thing Andy Rooney is here to point out the most serious consequence of the planet’s over-population: Rapidly depleting vacation spots.  Jesus, people, throw a condom on that thing!  Andy Rooney doesn’t want to look at your pale, ugly kids while he’s trying to enjoy a mai tai on the beach.

I think apartment living is underrated. So, even though I love going to our summer homes for vacation to get away from our daily life, I think sometimes I would be better off staying home.

Andy Rooney’s home life is so fucking great, it’s a vacation in itself.  So even though he’s rich enough to own a big summer home, he might not even use it.

I’ve said this before, but I’d like to encourage everyone — and I include myself — to start a movement called “Stay-at-home-on-vacation.” The nightly pictures on the news of people on vacation flocking to our beaches are enough to keep all of us in our backyards, if we have a backyard.

I’ll be sitting in mine, shotgun cocked and aimed, ready to turn anyone I see into 150 lbs of raw beef…

Vacation spots near the water are clearly in short supply.

My bathroom toilet is currently taking reservations, Mr. Rooney, whenever you’re ready.

I was at my lake cottage the past couple of weekends, and so was everyone else. Next year, I’m going to stay home and sit on my apartment terrace. That’s where I’m going on my next vacation.

MY NAME IS ANDY ROONEY, AND I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE!  Stay away from me and my awesome town, unwashed masses!


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3 responses

29 10 2009
Tamcatt

I have a feeling he lives near Lake George Village!!!
And if he’s gonna stay home why not let you and I go to the house on the lake, Tim!?

29 10 2009
Joni

Oh, great, now I have that “Albania” song from “Cheers” in my head.

Thanks a lot, Andy Rooney.

29 10 2009
andy

There are so few famous people named ‘Andy’. I want to love them all. This is my struggle. . .

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