I’m not a good person.
Readers of my previous MySpace blog already know this (as demonstrated by my blog where I acknowledge that I only remember females if they are sexually attractive, and my blog where I argue the moral acceptability of having sex with animals), but I don’t think I have firmly established what an awful person I am on this blog yet.
Time to rectify that.
I was on Facebook today. For those of you who don’t know what Facebook is…BLAH HA HA HA, J/K…you’re on the internet, of course you know what Facebook is. And if you don’t, you aren’t nearly cool enough to hang out with me and all my awesome Facebook “friends” that I never see in real life or talk to online, but they are on my friends list, and K-Bell and I agree, electronic “friendship” is a more real friendship anyway.
The reason I have so many friends on Facebook, apart from the fact that I am awesomely cool and “passably decent” in the sack according to my girlfriend, is that I tend to accept anyone’s friendship who asks, provided I know who they are, whether I am actually friends with them or not, or plan on ever talking with them, online or off.
Witness Exhibit A: A former high school classmate of mine whom I only vaguely recall, and who’s identity will be withheld because…well, I mean, it’s bad enough I am using our conversation as fodder for a blog, I don’t need to embarrass the guy more by using his name. He asked to be my Facebook friends a few months ago, I said yes because why the hell not, and forgot he existed. Until tonight. When he decided to talk to me using Facebook’s IM feature. Bear in mind I was not really friends with this person in high school, I barely remember him, and I hated high school and have no interest in ever, ever, revisiting the portion of my life.
Here is an exact transcript of our conversation, with my thoughts in italics. Sort of a “Directors Commentary” if you will:
97Grad
what up tim
Tim
hello
not much, what is up with you?
Doesn’t it already just…feel awkward? Like running into someone you may or may not remember? At least it’s IM and not face-to-face…
97Grad
getting ready to go to bed and winding down watching a little criss angel “mindfreak”
Tim
good deal
Nerd! Although I must confess, Criss Angel has tapped some hot celebrity ass…
97Grad
where do you work now a days
Asshole! Of course this is the first question that he goes to. It is well known that I hate this question (See: “That thing I do…” below). Oh well…
Tim
as a para for a st paul school district
and yourself?
97Grad
and how do you enjoy that
I change retarded people’s diapers.
Tim
its not the worst thing in the world
At least the retarded people aren’t on fire…
97Grad
I as work as a technical service lead inthe casino industry acrossa 4 state region
Tim
very cool
Boooorrrrring…
97Grad
on the side of that Jaime and I build a buisness whichc is much mroe exciting long term than 8-5 everyday for 40 years
Tim
yes i can imagine
owning your own business = fun
97Grad
just takes some work up front.. but the chance to live everyday free in you won schedule
Umm. Okay. At this point, I’m getting the sudden feeling he’s going to try to sell me something. A bridge, perhaps…
Tim
yes
freedom is good
Wha…!?!?
97Grad
how long you worked as para
Tim
not long, just a few months
i tend to switch jobs often
97Grad
what did you do prior
Tim
oh a little of everything
Now at this point I am saying to myself, “Why the hell am I having a serious, honest conversation with this person I will probably never talk to again and doesn’t know what I’ve been doing the past 11 years. Time to have some fun!
acting, writing, teaching, construction, head hunting
I’ve done those first three things, but not really for money. Head hunting? K-Bell says her sister does it and does well for herself, and it just sprung to mind. So…
97Grad
you ever thought of doing anything outside of para stuff
Oh yeah, he’s gonna try to sell me something. Cue the “Get Rich Quick” theme music…
Tim
well, i already do
97Grad
nice
Tim
between writing, acting, traveling, and my various charitable organizations, i’m pretty busy
Various charitable organizations? At about this point is where I start to, shall we say, go a little overboard…
97Grad
what type of foundations do you run
Tim
mostly just raising money for physically disabled children
also physically disabled monkeys sometimes
but we just about got that problem licked
I would feel guilty at this point…you know, if the slow torture that is life hadn’t already burned the ability to feel anything out of me…
97Grad
monkeys are fun…
thats good stuff tim
Tim
yes they are like tiny humans
that don’t talk
97Grad
haha hahha hha
97Grad
any plans ver the summer
Tim
no this ones been pretty laid back
just hanging out and chilling with my entoruage
Not only is this a ridiculous statement, but I managed to spell “entourage” wrong. And this from someone with a degree in English. But NOT a degree in spelling…
97Grad
nice
where does most of your financing come from for the foundations?
Tim
i raise it
Ummm…erm…can you almost hear my wheels spinning as I try to come up with a lie that is A) semi-credible and B) funny?
97Grad
privately or buisnesses?
Tim
i write dramatic stage adaptions of classic 16th century novels and perform them with some theater friends
Well, this is almost true. I wrote a parody of “Little Foxes” for a play reading class once, and…uh…um…no, who am I kidding, this is 100% bullshit.
97Grad
very cool… where do you perform
Tim
oh, local community theaters, church basements…anyplace there is open space and peoples who’s hearts and minds are pure
Okay…it’s exactly at this point…right…here….”hearts and minds are pure”….where I start to hate myself and feel slightly guilty.
97Grad
thats awesome.. well this is a shot int he dark.. listen maybe we could sit down and talk about raising some more money for what you do… if your interested.. either way..
this mind freak crap is nuts
HA! i knew he was just trying to get me roped into some sort of business scheme. Do I feel less guilty now? Strangely, no. He seems like a nice guy…
Tim
well like i said i keep pretty busy…but if you would just like to send me some info, i can run it past my people and get back to you
and yes, kriss angel is BA
“Run it past my people” is the delicious cherry on this Ice Cream Sundae of lies…
97Grad
well we can either talk via phone/ onine maybe tomorrow or pick a time to grab a cup of coffee… think about it.. i going to run to bed.. have a great night tim
Tim
hey you too man
Okay. So I am feeling a little bit awful about turning this private conversation into a public blog. I mean, I’m doing it anyway, because I’m an ass, but I just want it put on the record that I am feeling a little bad. And 97Grad, if you are reading this, I apologize. You know, for lying to you, using our conversation as writing material, and making fun of you.
I love the way Facebook brings people together!
This Is Where Your Free Time Goes To Die... 
thank you for this.
try not to feel too bad.
i have two friends on facebook that went to school at the same time i did, but who i’m pretty sure i’ve never talked to in my entire life. i would feel like an asshole if i turned someone down as a friend. yet…the boy who had a huge crush on me in 7th grade never confirmed ME as a friend.
it’s probably still too painful for him.
Although this may come across as evil, I think it’s deserved. I wonder how many people were ‘friended’ and then suckered into a similar conversation with him. Maybe I should friend him as well.
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