Awkward social networking website IM conversations (Or, I am going straight to hell)…

7 08 2008

I’m not a good person.

Readers of my previous MySpace blog already know this (as demonstrated by my blog where I acknowledge that I only remember females if they are sexually attractive, and my blog where I argue the moral acceptability of having sex with animals), but I don’t think I have firmly established what an awful person I am on this blog yet.

Time to rectify that.

I was on Facebook today. For those of you who don’t know what Facebook is…BLAH HA HA HA, J/K…you’re on the internet, of course you know what Facebook is. And if you don’t, you aren’t nearly cool enough to hang out with me and all my awesome Facebook “friends” that I never see in real life or talk to online, but they are on my friends list, and K-Bell and I agree, electronic “friendship” is a more real friendship anyway.

The reason I have so many friends on Facebook, apart from the fact that I am awesomely cool and “passably decent” in the sack according to my girlfriend, is that I tend to accept anyone’s friendship who asks, provided I know who they are, whether I am actually friends with them or not, or plan on ever talking with them, online or off.

Witness Exhibit A: A former high school classmate of mine whom I only vaguely recall, and who’s identity will be withheld because…well, I mean, it’s bad enough I am using our conversation as fodder for a blog, I don’t need to embarrass the guy more by using his name. He asked to be my Facebook friends a few months ago, I said yes because why the hell not, and forgot he existed. Until tonight. When he decided to talk to me using Facebook’s IM feature. Bear in mind I was not really friends with this person in high school, I barely remember him, and I hated high school and have no interest in ever, ever, revisiting the portion of my life.

Here is an exact transcript of our conversation, with my thoughts in italics. Sort of a “Directors Commentary” if you will:

Couldn’t retrieve chat history

10:14pm97Grad

what up tim

10:14pmTim

hello

not much, what is up with you?

Doesn’t it already just…feel awkward? Like running into someone you may or may not remember? At least it’s IM and not face-to-face…

10:16pm97Grad

getting ready to go to bed and winding down watching a little criss angel “mindfreak”

10:16pmTim

good deal

Nerd! Although I must confess, Criss Angel has tapped some hot celebrity ass…

10:16pm97Grad

where do you work now a days

Asshole! Of course this is the first question that he goes to. It is well known that I hate this question (See: “That thing I do…” below). Oh well…

10:16pmTim

as a para for a st paul school district

and yourself?

10:17pm97Grad

and how do you enjoy that

I change retarded people’s diapers.

10:17pmTim

its not the worst thing in the world

At least the retarded people aren’t on fire…

10:18pm97Grad

I as work as a technical service lead inthe casino industry acrossa 4 state region

10:18pmTim

very cool

Boooorrrrring…

10:19pm97Grad

on the side of that Jaime and I build a buisness whichc is much mroe exciting long term than 8-5 everyday for 40 years

10:19pmTim

yes i can imagine

owning your own business = fun

10:20pm97Grad

just takes some work up front.. but the chance to live everyday free in you won schedule

Umm. Okay. At this point, I’m getting the sudden feeling he’s going to try to sell me something. A bridge, perhaps…

10:20pmTim

yes

freedom is good

Wha…!?!?

10:20pm97Grad

how long you worked as para

10:21pmTim

not long, just a few months

i tend to switch jobs often

10:21pm97Grad

what did you do prior

10:21pmTim

oh a little of everything

Now at this point I am saying to myself, “Why the hell am I having a serious, honest conversation with this person I will probably never talk to again and doesn’t know what I’ve been doing the past 11 years. Time to have some fun!

acting, writing, teaching, construction, head hunting

I’ve done those first three things, but not really for money. Head hunting? K-Bell says her sister does it and does well for herself, and it just sprung to mind. So…

10:22pm97Grad

you ever thought of doing anything outside of para stuff

Oh yeah, he’s gonna try to sell me something. Cue the “Get Rich Quick” theme music…

10:22pmTim

well, i already do

10:23pm97Grad

nice

10:23pmTim

between writing, acting, traveling, and my various charitable organizations, i’m pretty busy

Various charitable organizations? At about this point is where I start to, shall we say, go a little overboard…

10:23pm97Grad

what type of foundations do you run

10:24pmTim

mostly just raising money for physically disabled children

also physically disabled monkeys sometimes

but we just about got that problem licked

I would feel guilty at this point…you know, if the slow torture that is life hadn’t already burned the ability to feel anything out of me…

10:24pm97Grad

monkeys are fun…

thats good stuff tim

10:25pmTim

yes they are like tiny humans

that don’t talk

10:25pm97Grad

haha hahha hha

10:29pm97Grad

any plans ver the summer

10:29pmTim

no this ones been pretty laid back

just hanging out and chilling with my entoruage

Not only is this a ridiculous statement, but I managed to spell “entourage” wrong. And this from someone with a degree in English. But NOT a degree in spelling…

10:29pm97Grad

nice

where does most of your financing come from for the foundations?

10:31pmTim

i raise it

Ummm…erm…can you almost hear my wheels spinning as I try to come up with a lie that is A) semi-credible and B) funny?

10:31pm97Grad

privately or buisnesses?

10:31pmTim

i write dramatic stage adaptions of classic 16th century novels and perform them with some theater friends

Well, this is almost true. I wrote a parody of “Little Foxes” for a play reading class once, and…uh…um…no, who am I kidding, this is 100% bullshit.

10:32pm97Grad

very cool… where do you perform

10:33pmTim

oh, local community theaters, church basements…anyplace there is open space and peoples who’s hearts and minds are pure

Okay…it’s exactly at this point…right…here….”hearts and minds are pure”….where I start to hate myself and feel slightly guilty.

10:35pm97Grad

thats awesome.. well this is a shot int he dark.. listen maybe we could sit down and talk about raising some more money for what you do… if your interested.. either way..

this mind freak crap is nuts

HA! i knew he was just trying to get me roped into some sort of business scheme. Do I feel less guilty now? Strangely, no. He seems like a nice guy…

10:37pmTim

well like i said i keep pretty busy…but if you would just like to send me some info, i can run it past my people and get back to you

and yes, kriss angel is BA

“Run it past my people” is the delicious cherry on this Ice Cream Sundae of lies…

10:39pm97Grad

well we can either talk via phone/ onine maybe tomorrow or pick a time to grab a cup of coffee… think about it.. i going to run to bed.. have a great night tim

10:39pmTim

hey you too man

Okay. So I am feeling a little bit awful about turning this private conversation into a public blog. I mean, I’m doing it anyway, because I’m an ass, but I just want it put on the record that I am feeling a little bad. And 97Grad, if you are reading this, I apologize. You know, for lying to you, using our conversation as writing material, and making fun of you.

I love the way Facebook brings people together!


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4 responses

8 08 2008
Amy

thank you for this.

try not to feel too bad.

i have two friends on facebook that went to school at the same time i did, but who i’m pretty sure i’ve never talked to in my entire life. i would feel like an asshole if i turned someone down as a friend. yet…the boy who had a huge crush on me in 7th grade never confirmed ME as a friend.

it’s probably still too painful for him.

9 08 2008
kristiane

Although this may come across as evil, I think it’s deserved. I wonder how many people were ‘friended’ and then suckered into a similar conversation with him. Maybe I should friend him as well.

9 08 2008
Possibly Cruel, Definately Funny « The Pilver

[…] Possibly Cruel, Definately Funny This. […]

21 03 2009

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