A tribute to my lesser known Facebook “friends”…

21 03 2009

When I started using MySpace, and later Facebook, I made it a point of pride that I did not accept as “friends” on these sites people whom I did not consider genuine friends in real life.  I wasn’t going to be accepting my co-workers cousin, my old babysitter, or random people who just happened to share keywords in the “Interests” section of my profile, just to bolster my friend count.  As time has passed, my standards have laxed incredibly, as I’ve just started accepting just about any and all friend requests, not so much because I care about having a lot of friends on a social networking website, but just because I always see the request, shrug my shoulders, and say, “Why the hell not?”

My downward spiral into extreme Facebook friend whoring hit a nadir last week, when I accepted the friendship request of “R.H.”  I have stared at his profile for a solid ten minutes straight now, and for the love of Jebus, I have no fucking clue who the hell R.H. is.  He graduated from my high school the same year I did, apparently.  Did we have classes together?  Were we best friends and I just blocked it out? (Not inconceivable, as I have intentionally blocked much of high school from my memories.)  Who are you, R.H.?  And more importantly…why the hell am I your friend on Facebook?

In my experience, Facebook friends come in three standard varieties.  They are:

Type I- Flesh & Blood Friends: These are your friends on Facebook that you have regular contact with in the “real world.”  Ironically, you very often will communicate with these friends the least on Facebook, due to your real world interactions with them.

Type II- Hurray!  I reconnected with _____ Friends: These are people who you were probably once good friends with in real life, but due to pesky physical world circumstances (moving, marriage, graduation, prison sentence) have no contact with in the real world anymore.  However, you still care about these people, and are excited to use the Interwebz to be able to socialize with them again.  These are the Facebook friends you will probably spend most of your time messaging, IMimg, wall-vandalizing, etc.

Type III- Oh, hey…it’s you.  I sort of, kind of, think I remember you.  Oh, you want to be Facebook friends?  Um…yeah, okay, I guess I don’t see any reason not to…Friends: You have friends like this on your profile, don’t try to deny it.  It’s okay, we all have them.  It’s nothing to be ashamed about.  Lately I’ve noticed I have many more of these friends than I ever would have imagined.  I literally have “friended” people that I have not sent one single piece of electronic correspondence with.  So, as a tribute to my Type III friends, and everyone’s Type III friends everywhere, I present to you a poem: “The Ballad of Tim Gage’s Lesser Known Friends”*

*Yes, poetry nerds, I know that technically a “ballad” is a poem that tells a story, and this poem does not.  But I like the word “ballad” and if you can’t handle that, please direct all your complaints to Free Time’s sister site, www.gofuckyourself.com

The Ballad of Tim Gage’s Lesser Known Friends

A Facebook Poem

In alphabetical order,

I’ll take them off my list,

and with some solemn prose

admit that they exist.

We start out with J.A.

I don’t think we’ve had chance to talk.

But according to some who know you,

you’re a bitch to all that walk.

H.C., I made you famous

when I quoted you in a blog.

Your constant right-wing status updates

make me want to kill my dog.

The next is a girl from high school,

I may have sat next to her in class.

K.D. I remember three things about you:

Nice face, great tits, C- ass.

As I mentioned in the intro,

R.H. to me is a stranger.

Are you the guy I introduced my prom-date to,

and when I used the restroom tried to bang her?

S.J. I do remember,

a sweet girl back from high school.

According to your profile you like camping, snowshoeing, and the outdoors.

That’s all I know about you.

H.K. is the daughter

of a guy I did a show with.

If she doesn’t stop sending me “Lil Green Patch” requests,

she’s getting un-friended with a quickness.

I’m getting tired now, so double time:

L.N., you had a crush on me, back yonder.

K.B., you’re friends with Nikki W.,

Y.T. you’re friends with Amber.

It’s strange to call people “friends”

with whom you never even speak.

I guess I can always hit “Decline.”

I think I’ll start…next week.






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4 responses

21 03 2009
nikki

i Know who my friend is, and don’t you dare de-friend her.
And there is 4th kind of friend, those random hot guys that i just ask to be my friend even tho i’ve never met them, just cause they are hot and i need to raise the hot quota on my friends list.

21 03 2009
Amy

What, you don’t want to save the rainforest? What kind of guy doesn’t want to save the rainforest with cute little babies dressed as plants?

You forgot Type IV, Facebook friends you only know from blogs. I’m going to go add you now so you can get that group started.

21 03 2009
Lindsey

I think this may be the single best piece of literature I have ever read while on Facebook!!! I have to think that many would love to adopt this idea, embrace it with zeal! Time for a spring cleaning of the friends lists!

23 03 2009
K.M.

So will you be ranking the rest of us at a later date so that we know where we stand? I didn’t see my initials so I think it is safe to say I am not type lll?

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