SCREWED! The Movie…

11 02 2009


To: Famous Hollywood Producer

From: Tim Gage

Re: Screenplay Rough Draft

Hello, Mr. Hollywood Producer. I realize your time is extremely valuable, with your days full of alternately deciding which new model of Audi to buy and snorting coke off of hooker’s chests, all the while bringing us such high quality studio fare as “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” and “The Pink Panther 2.” However, I was hoping you could take a little time of your busy schedule to look at my screenplay. I think it’s a great story: it has drama, intrigue, humor…it’s an underdog story, full of emotional resonance, sociological commentary, and all that good shit. And yes, Mr. Hollywood Producer, I’m sure we can find a way for the newest young starlet you’re currently plowing to show her tits at some point in the film.

The draft I have sent you is incomplete and just meant to wet your appetite. After all, I wouldn’t want you changing a few names around, making the movie, and then completely screwing me out of any credit! Ha ha ha, just kidding. Not really. Enjoy!

Important Note: This screenplay is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real events…specifically, events that occurred to me on on the dates of August 27th through February 7th…is completely a coincidence. The school district mentioned in this screenplay is in no way meant to resemble a real school district…certainly not the school district who’s website can be found here. All characters are also works of fiction, and any resemblance to real people is entirely an accident. For example, the evil HR director in this screenplay absolutely, positively, is NOT supposed to be this guy, who’s contact information can be found on that page.

Fiction. Got that? Good.




3 responses

11 02 2009

I’ve been wondering if you were going to write about this. I’m sure We Palm Her will receive a few more pleasant emails.

Who’s gonna play Jim? Please don’t say Topher Grace 😉

14 02 2009

Can’t we just assume Zach Braff will play Jim? Outside of the weird new excuse for Scrubs and his commercial voiceover roles as the puppy talking about toilet paper, I think he has the time.

Is this for real? Are we really allowed to write emails to Mr. We Palm Her? Because I totally will.

You need to call a news channel or something.

14 02 2009

Okay, I normally have a policy about not commenting on my own blog, but I want to clear up Amy’s question:

The contact information listed on this blog is the real contact information of the HR director at the district where I was recently…ahem…”let go.” However, the character of We Palm Her in my screenplay is NOT based on this person, nor is the district in my screenplay based on Intermediate District #287. And if things in my life occurred almost EXACTLY as they happen to Jim in my screenplay, that is just one, giant, crazy coincidence.

As for writing e-mails to Mr. Palmer, I am in no way encouraging anyone to do so. However, if you felt compelled to write, or even just forward some junk mail, to someone who without warning fires employees suffering from a serious illness, Mr. Palmer’s e-mail address would be a good place to start 😉

Thanks for reading, everyone!

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