Can we get someone on this, already…

I’d like to take a moment to address the world’s scientists and inventors, if I could.

Hey guys.  How’s it going?  I realize you guys lead a stressful life, what with everyone expecting to solve all the worlds super hard problems.  From climate change, diseases, and natural disasters, to automotive safety, communications, and entertainment, we, the regular folks, look to you to discover creative new solutions to all of life’s hardships.  And these problems are ridiculoulsy tough.  I mean, I have a college degree, and I’ll be honest, I only barely understand how electricity works.  Yet we all expect you guys to use electricity to not only power my car and television, but operate my pacemaker so I don’t die of heart disease at 31 and shit?  Tough gig.

So, understanding how tough your workload is, I’m not here to ask for much.  In fact, the rest of that crap can get put way on the back burner, as far as I’m concerned.  Global warming?  It’s freezing in my room right now, let that shit heat up!  Cure for cancer?  Take your time.  Flying cars?  I’ll ride my bike.

But could you please…please…PLEASE create a Taco Bell hot sauce packet that doesn’t PROJECTILE SPRAY THE SAUCE AT A 90 DEGREE ANGLE WHEN I TRY TO PUT IT ON MY BURRITO SUPREME.  Seriously, it’s annoying.  I can’t eat Taco Bell anymore without covering everything in a 2 foot radious around myself in hot sauce.  My poor laptop has been on the receiving end of more spicy-flavored money shots than a porn star’s ass.  I just want the sauce to go…gently…from the packet, to the tip of my burrito.  That is all.

Thank you.

Warning: Contents Under Extreme Pressure!