I couldn’t have said it better myself…

3 12 2008

With all the bitching I have done about this man, and so much left unsaid…this sums it up just about perfectly…





Unfit to lead…

1 11 2008

The election is now less than four days away(cue ecstatic cheering from fed up people), and though of course I am very interested in the Presidential election, I have to be honest and say the election I am much more interested in is Al Franken versus Norm Coleman for Senate.

I’m not going to lie to you people…I fucking love Al Franken. Not Al Franken on SNL…he was okay on that…but political Al Franken. His books are incredible, and I honestly believe NO ONE should be allowed to vote until they have read “The Truth.” It doesn’t matter where you are politically, the book is an eye opener.

However, here is the problem…Al Franken isn’t going to win. Unfortunately for him, he was a comedy writer in his past job, and still is a very straight talking, funny, sometimes sarcastic, passionate guy. Which means there is TONS AND TONS AND TONS of awesome quotes to be taken way out of context from him to make him look horrible. Also, he’s running against a guy who is in training to be the primary Republican attack dog, and is basically a standard, sleezy, all-round snake-oil salesman type politican. So needless to say, he is getting hammered in ads that make him look like a porno-writing, women-hating, serial-raping communist. Oops.

This issue got me to thinking: I could never run for political office. Not that I have any plans of ever wanting to, but if I did, I’d be screwed. Forgot about careless things I may have said when someone was recording or paying attention, my blogs alone are FILLED with material to be taken out of context and made to make me look sleazy. For fun, I went back through my old blogs and pulled out the quotes I imagined would be used against me in a heated political campaign. Accompanied with each quote is a link to the blog it is from, so you can see how it looks in context.

“I sort of wish some more people my own age would get cancer.” (Stuff and stuff and stuff and stuff…)

“The cost of the drugs I am taking…is at least $1,000 a night.” (Never a dull moment…)

“It’s business as usual for me from this point forward: bangin’ bitches, drinkin’ beers, and chewin’ gum.” (I’m not dead…)

“I’m a giant slut.” (What would Daniel Day-Lewis do?…)

“I got caught up in the random little distractions that make life such a joy…burying the random hookers body…” (This is where your free time goes to die…)

“I won’t work with the black guys.” (Sitting duck…)

“…my real passion is training dogs to rip each others faces off.” (Let’s talk about…)

“…theories as to why God made the I35 bridge fall…and perhaps ideas about other structures God can collapse to punish gay people for their horrible, dirty, sinfully arousing ways.” (Reunion…)

“They hate us because they hate our freedom…to have sex with a gangly, semi-creepy looking white guy…” (If you don’t have sex with me, the terrorists win…)

“…have Tom Selleck masturbate into the blender…” (Piss off, LeVar Burton…)

“I’m…saying it’s a good thing to take advantage of a passed out female…” (Drunk…)

“I knew I should have just had sex with the T-Mobile guy…” (SWM writer ISO friendly, inquisitive myspaces for NSA blog reading…)

“…I laugh about the midgets.” (Joy…)

“I have a liquidy substance that shoots out of my penis during sex…” (Stuff about things…)

“I can’t think of a better way to recognize Jesus’ death and resurrection than by chucking a 15-pound steel ball down a narrow, wooden path and into a mass of tightly grouped, curvey-cone shaped objects over and over again.” (Celebrating Christ’s love…WITH FIGHTING!)

“Fuck dying AIDS children.” (Chick flick…)

“…I’m going to surf the internet for porn and free music downloads.” (Cruise control…)

And then of course, there is this picture, back by popular demand:

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Yes, I’m sure someone will find that very useful in a campaign against me. But to be fair…my legs look GREAT in that shot.

Also it’s important to note…these are just a few quotes I managed to get skimming only half my blogs. I’m sure I missed many gems that a more diligent campaign manager could find and pull out against me.

Sorry, Al.





Fuck you (Presidential Election Edition)…

19 09 2008

“Fuck” is like, the best word ever…when someone finally says, “Hey, fuck you,” there’s nothing better. I just look at them and go, “Yeah, that’s right. Fuck me. Good use of fuck right there”…once somebody hits you with “fuck you” that’s it. There’s nothing better, there’s nothing above. You can’t come back with, “Oh, fuck me? Yeah? Gaylord!”

—Dane Cook, Harmful If Swallowed

In my Old MySpace Blog (henceforth known as the OMB), I wrote a blog entitled “Fuck you…” As I mentioned in this blog, usually when I am writing about a subject, my English degree demands that I use persuasive arguments that are logic and fact based rather than emotional. But that shit’s boring! And sometimes it’s just cathartic, instead of trying to be reasonable, to just look at who or whatever is pissing you off, and giving it a big “Fuck you!”

So come along and join me. It’ll be fun!

Right now the primary source of my rage is the presidential election. I got a whole bag full of “fuck you’s” to hand out on this subject. If you are staunchly anti-political, please feel free to skip the first chunk of this blog and start reading at the bold section titled “NON-POLITICAL FUCK YOU’S”. Or feel free to not read my blog at all. What, you think I need your approval? Do you? DO YOU?

Please like me.

POLITICAL FUCK YOU’S

Democrats and other Obama suppoerters

Obviously like most elections in our country now days, this presidential election has turned into a “what-crappy-thing-can-I-say-about-the-other-guy?” fest, rather than any intelligent discussion about how we can make our society a more tolerable place to live. Here are some common zingers Obama supporters have been using against John McCain:

1) John McCain is old. I seriously can’t get 3 seconds into a political discussion, or 10 words into a piece of political writing, before I have to hear or see some moron say: “ZOMG, McCain iz soooo oldz, lol. He’s, like, gonna die anys minute.” No fucking way! John McCain is OLD!?!? Incredible. Hey, you know what? FUCK YOU, OBAMA SUPPORTERS! He’s 72 and looks like he is in great shape. He’s going to have access to the best medical care possible (I mean, he’d be the fucking President, get real here), and, realistically, all things being equal…wouldn’t you prefer someone older being President? Do you really want some 35-year old who is going to miss the next big International Environmental Conference because he scores front row tickets to Van Halen? With age brings wisdom…respect your elders, people. Or at least get off their damn lawns.

2) John McCain is just a continuation of George Bush. My next favorite little saying: every half-assed liberal wannabe I know has at some point either uttered, or used as their Facebook quote, the saying: “John McCain…he should be named John McSame!” BLAH HA HA HA HA HA! Get it? Okay, see “Cain” and “Same” almost kind of rhyme, only they pretty much don’t, just like McCain is exactly the same as George W. Bush, only he pretty much isn’t. Do you people even remember the 2000 Republican primary? These two HATED EACH OTHERS GUTS. Granted, McCain sucked it up during the 2004 election and basically got in line behind Bush’s re-election, and you can criticize him for that if you want. But anyone who thinks that a John McCain presidency will in any way resemble a George Bush presidency is just a blindly loyal Democrat ball licker who wants “there guy” to win, without any regard to balancing the real pluses and minuses of each candidate. FUCK YOU, OBAMA SUPPORTERS.

Republicans and McCain supporters

Of course the sturdy right-wing side of our countries political spectrum isn’t being anymore reasonable. Here are the two most infuriating arguments I have to listen to about Obama:

1) Barack Obama has no experience. “What has Barack Obama done?” McCain supporters ask. “How is he fit to be President?” Every time I hear this argument, the question I can’t help but have pop in my brain is, “How many times has John McCain been President again?” The answer, of course, is a big fat ZERO. Does anyone really think President is a job you can get experience at without ACTUALLY BEING THE PRESIDENT. I mean, I guess governor is almost kind of close, but not really, and neither of these guys have been the governor of a state. You could be President of another country, but I’m not sure any voters would go for that. The fact of the matter is, experience would be great, but I think the primary qualities of a good President would be someone who is intelligent, cares about making our country better, well-spoken, and with an ability to work with a large variety of people to solve problems. With that in mind, both of these men seem plenty qualified to me (way over-qualified, if you judge by how the position is filled currently). So, sorry, but FUCK YOU MCCAIN SUPPORTERS!

2) Obama will astronomically raise your taxes. This one has been a head scratcher for me, not just in this election but in the last several elections, where Republicans have somehow performed one of the greatest magic tricks ever and convinced the American public that Democrats will come into office and take all your money. I think McCain supporters honestly believe that if he is elected, they will live in a paradise world where they pay almost no taxes, and magical fairies build and repair the roads, educate their children, and fight the wars they love to fight so much. Okay folks, first off all it’s time for a reality check on a couple different issues. First, like gas prices, your taxes ARE NEVER GOING DOWN. Ever. How can I, a mere liberal arts major with no economic background tell you this? It’s a simple fact of life: once any organization, be it a single person, a family, a business, or the government, get used to operating with a certain amount of money, it is EXTRAORDINARILY difficult to go back to less money. How much would any of you have to hate your job before you’d be willing to go to a job that pays half as much? Or even just 3/4 as much? Could you even hate it that much? Or would you stick it out until you found something that pays the same? I know what I would do.

So. Your taxes aren’t going down. The only questions remain, then, are: Will they go up? By how much? And, most importantly, WHO IS GOING TO DO THE BULK OF THE PAYING? Now, Obama and McCain are both going to talk a lot of shit, because it is an election and that is what you do, but realistically, I don’t think either of them could honestly answer any of those questions with any degree of accuracy right now. They would need to get into office first, see what the situation is, who needs money and how much, etc etc. However, we can use the past history of the parties to give us a clue as to how this will play out. Thanks to a washed up B-actor who somehow managed to get himself elected President and will remain nameless, (by the way, did you know before said actor was President, he sold out a ton of his friends to the House Committee on Un-American Activities for being communisits, though they mostly weren’t, used American hostages as leverage to get elected to his first term, and sold weapons terrorist organizations and then lied about it? Yeah, a quick off-topic FUCK YOU, RONALD REGAN…oops, I named him), Republicans have had this wonderful idea that if rich people, particularly business owners, pay very little in taxes, the economy will run great because they will use all this extra money to employee poor and middle class people, an idea that both observation and a little logic shows is utter bullshit (rich people don’t use that extra money they save in taxes to employee people, they use it to buy a fleet of 27 luxury cars they don’t need…FUCK YOU, P-DIDDY).

Democrats, however, are more inclined to think that maybe we shouldn’t crush already poor people and struggling middle class people with higher taxes, and instead get that money from the rich and super rich, who let’s face it, can afford it. Right-wingers will bitch about this being class warfare, and how they shouldn’t be punished for being successful, and blah blah blah…

Whatever. I honestly have no intention of debating the rights or wrongs of this. But the point is, I think it’s pretty reasonable to believe that unless you are mega-rich, your taxes will not be going up under Obama. And if you are mega-rich…BLAH HA HA…well let’s be honest, you were never voting for anyone but McCain anyway. I mean, you probably contributed to his campaign, for God’s sake. So…FUCK YOU, MCCAIN SUPPORTERS

You

And finally, I’d like to take a quicksecond to say FUCK YOU to…you. That’s right…you know who you are. You are that person that is so intent on seeing “your guy” win this election, whatever election it happens to be, you don’t bother to debate issues and how each candidate would affect them. Instead you focus on what “that other guy” did, said, or might have done 15 years ago when he was a sophomore in college. You send me ridiculous e-mails with video clips about some tiny, tiny gaffe the other candidate made while being grilled by Sean Hannity. You post retarded bumper stickers and sayings on your MySpace page. You basically treat these elections like they are the big game between the Vikings and Packers: your team just has to win for no other reason than THE OTHER GUYS SUCK!…instead of treating it with the seriousness that selecting the people who make and enforce the laws we live under deserves. You ruin our election process, and make this time of year annoying and painful for the rest of us. FUCK YOU, YOU!

Also, please stop sending the e-mails. Seriously, no one cares what you think. 95% of people already know who they are voting for, if they vote at all. And the other five percent are just going to vote for the guy that is tallest:

Outcome Electoral vote winner Popular vote winner
Taller won 59 percent 65 percent
Shorter won 37 percent 30 percent
Same height 4 percent 5 percent

source:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heights_of_United_States_Presidents_and_presidential_candidates#The_taller_man_wins.3F

NON-POLITICAL FUCK YOU’S

Okay, this blog is getting long. I apologize, so I will make these ones brief. Some random other fuck you’s that have nothing to do with politics:

During the most recent MTV movie awards, host Russell Brand made some jokes about the Jonas Brothers and their “Promise Rings” that declare them as virgins until they are married. Apparently, former American Idol winner Jordin Sparks, who also wears a promise ring, was not amused.

If you don’t want to watch the video, the summary is she basically said anyone who doesn’t wear one of these rings and save themselves for marriage is a slut. Okay then, well…FUCK YOU, JORDIN SPARKS! First off, I won’t bother mentioning the fact that it is super easy to abstain from sex when you are a gross looking fat ass (oops, I just mentioned it). For the super-hot, sexually viral rest of us, it’s not so easy. Hey, Jordin Sparks, I like to have sex, but I’m not planning on getting married. Am I a slut? How about my friends, all of whom are very intelligent, secure individulas, and many of whom are…<gasp>…female, who also like to have sex, but are not married? Are they all sluts, too?

Here is the problem with sex and our attitude to it in this country, and why I will never support abstinence only education. We need to stop treating sex like it is an inherently dirty thing until you are in the confines of marriage, and instead treat it as what it is: a perfectly natural act that has inherent risks that need to be talked about and accounted for. Also, being a slut has nothing to do with who you have sex with, or with how many people, or if you are married or not. Being a slut is using sex to get people to like you, and not because you want to be having sex. Period.

And on a quick side note: are any of us really falling for this whole “The Jonas Brothers are virgins?” Didn’t we just go through all this shit with Britney Spears a few years ago, and now it comes out that, extremely unsurprisingly, she was banging people at 14. Who cares if any of these people are virgins or not? FUCK YOU, MUSIC PRODUCERS, for using these young kids sexuality as a ploy to sell records.

Also real quick…

FUCK YOU, CANCER! Seriously, if I have to spend one more god damn minute in a doctors waiting room, reading the same crappy magazines, staring at the same fish tanks, and having sex with the same big-chested nurses in the bathroom after they draw my blood, I’m gonna freak.

And…

FUCK YOU, COOL RANCH DORITOS! I mean, c’mon! Why are you so delicious? Do you seriously have to make me eat THE ENTIRE BAG! I am usually a very reasonable snacker, but once I put one of you in my mouth…that’s it baby! I ain’t stopping till I am licking the crumbs from the bottom of the bag like a homeless person. What the hell is all that multi-colored spice on there, anyway? Heroin?

Ahhh…didn’t that feel good? It did for me. I invite you all to leave your own “Fuck you’s” in the comment section below…you’ll feel better, trust me. Also, unlike K-Bell, I encourage political discussion on my blog, so feel free to “fuck you” some of my “fuck you’s” However, just remember this one important thing if you start arguing your political crap: I really don’t care what you think.





Piss off, Barack Obama…

10 07 2008

I generally try to avoid getting on my soap-box regarding politics. Mostly because I think the system we use to choose the people making our laws is ridiculous and flawed, but also because my high-profile acting/modeling/pitchman career demands that I not alienate anyone on either side of the political spectrum. As Michael Jordan once famously said, “Republicans buy shoes, too.” Like any other good aspiring actor/model, it’s important I keep my body ripped, my facial expression vacant, and my political views a deep, dark, horrible secret.

But I can no longer contain myself. There is currently a politician running for something called the “President of the United States,” which my personal assistant tells me is basically the most important political post in our country, and second most important human being in our country behind Oprah. And this politician is really pissing me off on so many levels, that I feel I just have to get it off my chest. Who is causing my Hulk-O-Meter to top out in the red? Barack Obama.

Throughout Obama’s primary campaign, and continuing now in the general election, Obama has consistently been positive, articulate, respectful, and intelligent. He has talked eloquently about working together with people on both sides of the political spectrum, placed great emphasis on our similarities rather than our differences, and refused to engage in the standard character-driven mudslinging that has become mandatory in our election process.

What an asshole!

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Barack Obama, giving a speech. Probably saying soething positive, being uplifting, and otherwise just being a major douche-bag.

The signs of Obama’s cordial, uptight dickishness could be seen early on in his career as a Senator. In 2006, after attempting to work with his now opponent John McCain on a bill about ethics reform, McCain responded to Obama, accusing him, both sarcastically and quite pointedly, of being interested in politics over “public interest” and of basically all out lying. Obama responded to McCain’s letter with a letter of his own, which ended thusly:

I confess that I have no idea what has prompted your response. But let me assure you that I am not interested in typical partisan rhetoric or posturing. The fact that you have now questioned my sincerity and my desire to put aside politics for the public interest is regrettable but does not in any way diminish my deep respect for you nor my willingness to find a bipartisan solution to this problem. (You can read the full letter exchange here. )

Is this Obama guy a first class ass-biting cock-master, or what?

I mean, who the hell does he think he is? This is how politics works in our country: You propose a law or resolution, and if someone disagrees with you, you call them an unpatriotic retarded communist fag (or bitch if they are a woman. Or actually gay.) You don’t say something is “regrettable” but that you still have “deep respect” for the other person. That makes you look like a fucking pussy! Do you want all the other world leaders thinking our President is a pussy? At U.N. meetings they’re going to push him into his locker and take our countries tax money and then do that thing where they grab Obama’s hand and hit him in the face with it and say, “Why are you hitting yourself, Barack Obama? Why are you hitting yourself? Huh? Huh? Why are you hitting yourself?” Do you want that? DO YOU!?

Speaking of being a pussy, do you know what Barack Obama has proposed we do with other countries? When asked about how he would deal with Iran and their potential for developing nuclear weapons, Obama has said he would engage in “direct presidential diplomacy” with Iran’s leaders without “preconditions.” That’s right, folks. He wants to TALK to these people. I mean, can you even imagine it? TALK!

Listen here, Mr. Barack Obama, if that is even your real name and not some sort of terrorist code-name (am I right, Arkansas?), this is the U S of A. We don’t solve problems with talking. We solve problems with money. And if money doesn’t work, then we blow the problem up with missiles and bullets. Also, sometimes grenades, which isn’t exactly a missile, but is sort of like a missile you throw at the enemy and then it blows up next to the enemy. But you have to remember to pull the pin first, otherwise you’re basically just throwing a weird shaped ball at the enemy that does nothing. ANYWAY…the point is, we don’t work with other countries to solve problems with talking, we BLOW THEM THE HELL UP! That’s how my daddy did it, that’s how his daddy did it, and that’s how our forefathers did it, ever since George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Abraham Lincoln, John Wayne, and Tom Selleck came over on the Mayflower, and liberated this great nation from those godless, communist Indians. We bought the land from them with beads, then we killed them and took our fucking beads back and the land. As Stuart Scott would say, “Boo-yah.”

Okay, I know what you are all thinking at this point. You are thinking, “Tim, you just don’t like Barack Obama because he’s…you know…one of ‘those people'” And you are wrong…I don’t have a problem with him because he’s…you know. Okay, okay, okay, maybe I have a little bit of a problem with it. I can’t help it. You can acuse me of stereotyping, but it just seems like his type of people are always commiting crimes, having children out of wedlock, and doing drugs. All right, maybe we should just get this out in the open now. You all know what I’m talking about, so let’s just not be afraid to say it. Yes, Barack Obama is a…basketball player. He played varsity in high school, and still actively engages in the sport in his spare time. And I’m NOT prejudiced against basketball players or anything, but if you’ve watched any NBA games in recent years…well, I think you will agree with what I’m saying.

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Obama posing with some other baketball players, right before they smoke some “reefer” and knock-up their girlfriends they aren’t married to.

This diatribe is coming off a little harsh, I realize. And I am nothing if not a positive person. So I will end this post on a good note. Like my mama used to tell me, “If you ain’t got nothing nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all.” So I will end this by saying something nice about Barack Obama.

Okay…

Um…

Hm…

OH! I’ve got it! Okay, here goes:

At least he’s not Hillary Clinton. I hate that fucking bitch.