Unfit to lead…

1 11 2008

The election is now less than four days away(cue ecstatic cheering from fed up people), and though of course I am very interested in the Presidential election, I have to be honest and say the election I am much more interested in is Al Franken versus Norm Coleman for Senate.

I’m not going to lie to you people…I fucking love Al Franken. Not Al Franken on SNL…he was okay on that…but political Al Franken. His books are incredible, and I honestly believe NO ONE should be allowed to vote until they have read “The Truth.” It doesn’t matter where you are politically, the book is an eye opener.

However, here is the problem…Al Franken isn’t going to win. Unfortunately for him, he was a comedy writer in his past job, and still is a very straight talking, funny, sometimes sarcastic, passionate guy. Which means there is TONS AND TONS AND TONS of awesome quotes to be taken way out of context from him to make him look horrible. Also, he’s running against a guy who is in training to be the primary Republican attack dog, and is basically a standard, sleezy, all-round snake-oil salesman type politican. So needless to say, he is getting hammered in ads that make him look like a porno-writing, women-hating, serial-raping communist. Oops.

This issue got me to thinking: I could never run for political office. Not that I have any plans of ever wanting to, but if I did, I’d be screwed. Forgot about careless things I may have said when someone was recording or paying attention, my blogs alone are FILLED with material to be taken out of context and made to make me look sleazy. For fun, I went back through my old blogs and pulled out the quotes I imagined would be used against me in a heated political campaign. Accompanied with each quote is a link to the blog it is from, so you can see how it looks in context.

“I sort of wish some more people my own age would get cancer.” (Stuff and stuff and stuff and stuff…)

“The cost of the drugs I am taking…is at least $1,000 a night.” (Never a dull moment…)

“It’s business as usual for me from this point forward: bangin’ bitches, drinkin’ beers, and chewin’ gum.” (I’m not dead…)

“I’m a giant slut.” (What would Daniel Day-Lewis do?…)

“I got caught up in the random little distractions that make life such a joy…burying the random hookers body…” (This is where your free time goes to die…)

“I won’t work with the black guys.” (Sitting duck…)

“…my real passion is training dogs to rip each others faces off.” (Let’s talk about…)

“…theories as to why God made the I35 bridge fall…and perhaps ideas about other structures God can collapse to punish gay people for their horrible, dirty, sinfully arousing ways.” (Reunion…)

“They hate us because they hate our freedom…to have sex with a gangly, semi-creepy looking white guy…” (If you don’t have sex with me, the terrorists win…)

“…have Tom Selleck masturbate into the blender…” (Piss off, LeVar Burton…)

“I’m…saying it’s a good thing to take advantage of a passed out female…” (Drunk…)

“I knew I should have just had sex with the T-Mobile guy…” (SWM writer ISO friendly, inquisitive myspaces for NSA blog reading…)

“…I laugh about the midgets.” (Joy…)

“I have a liquidy substance that shoots out of my penis during sex…” (Stuff about things…)

“I can’t think of a better way to recognize Jesus’ death and resurrection than by chucking a 15-pound steel ball down a narrow, wooden path and into a mass of tightly grouped, curvey-cone shaped objects over and over again.” (Celebrating Christ’s love…WITH FIGHTING!)

“Fuck dying AIDS children.” (Chick flick…)

“…I’m going to surf the internet for porn and free music downloads.” (Cruise control…)

And then of course, there is this picture, back by popular demand:


Yes, I’m sure someone will find that very useful in a campaign against me. But to be fair…my legs look GREAT in that shot.

Also it’s important to note…these are just a few quotes I managed to get skimming only half my blogs. I’m sure I missed many gems that a more diligent campaign manager could find and pull out against me.

Sorry, Al.

Stuff and stuff and stuff and stuff…

30 10 2008

I haven’t written in a while, because…well, I have nothing to say. And I still don’t, but it would be a shame to let this valuable web-space go to waste. Also: I’m drunk. So here is me writing stuff about things:

Do we really have to let EVERYONE vote?

Okay, so back when Jesus came over on the Mayflower and wrote the Constitution, the law was only white, male land-owners could vote. That was bad. We have progressed as a society, and now everybody gets a vote. And I can’t help but wondering if we’ve gone a little too far.

For example, did you know there are people out there who actually, genuinely believe Barack Obama is secretly a terrorist who, if elected, will convert the entire country to Islam? And that there are people who, with a straight face, claim that John McCain will declare war on every other country and cause the collapse of civilization? “The Daily Show” did a great bit a couple of nights ago, sending a corespondent to both a McCain and an Obama rally. Watch the episode here, if it pleases you. If you don’t want to watch it, let me summarize it for you. There are some dumb people, out there. Like…mind numbingly, soul crushing, losing all faith in humanity, dumb. And these people get to vote. And their vote counts just as much as yours and mine. Which means, hypothetically, if I decided to go vote for Obama, my vote will just be canceled out by some some moron that thinks Obama is related to Saddam Hussein because his middle name is Hussein.

Are you fucking serious?

I’m sorry, but I think there should be a pop quiz when you go to vote. If you ACTUALLY think Obama is a terrorist that will force everyone to pray to Allah, or whatever, or you ACTUALLY think McCain is going to force all your gay friends to marry people of the opposite sex and read the Bible every morning, you don’t get to vote. Period. Also, I get to take you out back and wack you with various tough-but-non-permanent-mark-leaving objects.

Singing and dancing becomes cool again. Wait…singing and dancing were never cool! What the hell is going on here?

“High School Musical 3” is currently the #1 grossing movie in the country(see?). And I think that’s neat.

(Note: In order to get the correct interpretation of that last line, please picture me making a sarcastic wanking motion with my hand while saying it. Thanks.)

high school musical Pictures, Images and Photos

High School Musical: Where my soul goes to die and subsequently get anally raped by Satan for all eternity. Also: what’s the deal with the blond dude in the upper right corner? I have no idea who he is, but I’ve never wanted to punch someone so badly in my life.

I promised myself this would be a cancer free blog, but…

I have a question: Am I the ONLY person in the world under the age of 85 with cancer? Seriously, every time I go in for a doctors appointment, the God damn waiting room looks like Sunday morning at Perkins. Not that I would EVER wish cancer on anyone, but…I sort of wish some more people my own age would get cancer. You know, just so I have someone to talk to in the waiting room about something other than grandkids, hard candy, how loud music is nowadays, and what joint is aching on them today. Also, they smell bad.

How many old people stereotypes did I work into that last paragraph? I was aiming for five. Did I get five? I count five.

I should be in bed and I have to pee, so I think that is the end of this blog. Oh…I think I just thought of a clever ending catchphrase…

Piss off, Barack Obama…

10 07 2008

I generally try to avoid getting on my soap-box regarding politics. Mostly because I think the system we use to choose the people making our laws is ridiculous and flawed, but also because my high-profile acting/modeling/pitchman career demands that I not alienate anyone on either side of the political spectrum. As Michael Jordan once famously said, “Republicans buy shoes, too.” Like any other good aspiring actor/model, it’s important I keep my body ripped, my facial expression vacant, and my political views a deep, dark, horrible secret.

But I can no longer contain myself. There is currently a politician running for something called the “President of the United States,” which my personal assistant tells me is basically the most important political post in our country, and second most important human being in our country behind Oprah. And this politician is really pissing me off on so many levels, that I feel I just have to get it off my chest. Who is causing my Hulk-O-Meter to top out in the red? Barack Obama.

Throughout Obama’s primary campaign, and continuing now in the general election, Obama has consistently been positive, articulate, respectful, and intelligent. He has talked eloquently about working together with people on both sides of the political spectrum, placed great emphasis on our similarities rather than our differences, and refused to engage in the standard character-driven mudslinging that has become mandatory in our election process.

What an asshole!


Barack Obama, giving a speech. Probably saying soething positive, being uplifting, and otherwise just being a major douche-bag.

The signs of Obama’s cordial, uptight dickishness could be seen early on in his career as a Senator. In 2006, after attempting to work with his now opponent John McCain on a bill about ethics reform, McCain responded to Obama, accusing him, both sarcastically and quite pointedly, of being interested in politics over “public interest” and of basically all out lying. Obama responded to McCain’s letter with a letter of his own, which ended thusly:

I confess that I have no idea what has prompted your response. But let me assure you that I am not interested in typical partisan rhetoric or posturing. The fact that you have now questioned my sincerity and my desire to put aside politics for the public interest is regrettable but does not in any way diminish my deep respect for you nor my willingness to find a bipartisan solution to this problem. (You can read the full letter exchange here. )

Is this Obama guy a first class ass-biting cock-master, or what?

I mean, who the hell does he think he is? This is how politics works in our country: You propose a law or resolution, and if someone disagrees with you, you call them an unpatriotic retarded communist fag (or bitch if they are a woman. Or actually gay.) You don’t say something is “regrettable” but that you still have “deep respect” for the other person. That makes you look like a fucking pussy! Do you want all the other world leaders thinking our President is a pussy? At U.N. meetings they’re going to push him into his locker and take our countries tax money and then do that thing where they grab Obama’s hand and hit him in the face with it and say, “Why are you hitting yourself, Barack Obama? Why are you hitting yourself? Huh? Huh? Why are you hitting yourself?” Do you want that? DO YOU!?

Speaking of being a pussy, do you know what Barack Obama has proposed we do with other countries? When asked about how he would deal with Iran and their potential for developing nuclear weapons, Obama has said he would engage in “direct presidential diplomacy” with Iran’s leaders without “preconditions.” That’s right, folks. He wants to TALK to these people. I mean, can you even imagine it? TALK!

Listen here, Mr. Barack Obama, if that is even your real name and not some sort of terrorist code-name (am I right, Arkansas?), this is the U S of A. We don’t solve problems with talking. We solve problems with money. And if money doesn’t work, then we blow the problem up with missiles and bullets. Also, sometimes grenades, which isn’t exactly a missile, but is sort of like a missile you throw at the enemy and then it blows up next to the enemy. But you have to remember to pull the pin first, otherwise you’re basically just throwing a weird shaped ball at the enemy that does nothing. ANYWAY…the point is, we don’t work with other countries to solve problems with talking, we BLOW THEM THE HELL UP! That’s how my daddy did it, that’s how his daddy did it, and that’s how our forefathers did it, ever since George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Abraham Lincoln, John Wayne, and Tom Selleck came over on the Mayflower, and liberated this great nation from those godless, communist Indians. We bought the land from them with beads, then we killed them and took our fucking beads back and the land. As Stuart Scott would say, “Boo-yah.”

Okay, I know what you are all thinking at this point. You are thinking, “Tim, you just don’t like Barack Obama because he’s…you know…one of ‘those people'” And you are wrong…I don’t have a problem with him because he’s…you know. Okay, okay, okay, maybe I have a little bit of a problem with it. I can’t help it. You can acuse me of stereotyping, but it just seems like his type of people are always commiting crimes, having children out of wedlock, and doing drugs. All right, maybe we should just get this out in the open now. You all know what I’m talking about, so let’s just not be afraid to say it. Yes, Barack Obama is a…basketball player. He played varsity in high school, and still actively engages in the sport in his spare time. And I’m NOT prejudiced against basketball players or anything, but if you’ve watched any NBA games in recent years…well, I think you will agree with what I’m saying.


Obama posing with some other baketball players, right before they smoke some “reefer” and knock-up their girlfriends they aren’t married to.

This diatribe is coming off a little harsh, I realize. And I am nothing if not a positive person. So I will end this post on a good note. Like my mama used to tell me, “If you ain’t got nothing nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all.” So I will end this by saying something nice about Barack Obama.




OH! I’ve got it! Okay, here goes:

At least he’s not Hillary Clinton. I hate that fucking bitch.