The Tubelessness Problem… (Plus: The Joker turns over a new leaf…)

22 03 2009

I don’t think any of us like thinking about the homeless.  I know I don’t.  It’s a depressing problem that distracts me from the important parts of my life, like deciding whether to flat-call or 3-bet preflop with QQ and the new episode of “24.”  Seriously, I don’t have time to think about depressing poor people with that shit on my mind.  But when I do think about them, it’s hard not to wonder what type of circumstances force someone into that sort of life, and what line of thinking leads them to beg, prostitute themselves, or even steal.  Recently, I got a taste of how one might do things they never imagined in a desperate situation.  (Though this taste, to be fair, came in “spoiled white boy without a care in the world” flavor.)

Tugs at your heart strings, doesn't it?  I mean, it doesn't tug hard enough to make you want to do something about it...but enough to make you speed up so you don't have to look at it as long.

Tugs at your heart strings, doesn't it? I mean, it doesn't tug hard enough to make you want to do something about it...but enough to make you speed up so you don't have to look at it as long.

I recently made my second ever trip to Water Park of America, which, as readers of this blog know, is “America’s Biggest Indoor Water Park Hotel!” and also may or may not be owned by a floating-or-very-tall ancient chinese man.  Now if you have never been to Water Park of America (America’s Biggest Indoor Water Park Hotel!), you need to know that they have two different types of water slides: the regular kind where you just scoot down on your bum and/or back, and tube slides, which are bigger slides you ride down on an inflatable inter-tube.  You also need to know that the regular slides kind of suck: the joints where the pieces of slide come together have a tendency to scratch up your bum and/or back.  The tube slides, however, are the bomb, but they also have a problem: you need a tube.  The tubes at Water Park of America (America’s Biggest Indoor Water Park Hotel!) are distributed in a very random, unorganized, and wonderfully American way: it’s first come, first serve, and once you have a tube you keep it for as long as you can keep your hands on it.

So yesterday, K-Bell and I find ourselves at Water Park of America (America’s Biggest Indoor Water Park Hotel!), desperately wanting to go down the tube slides (as we had already torn our backsides up something fierce on the regular slides), but lacking a tube.  And as it was a Saturday, the evening, and plenty busy, there was not a spare tube to be found.  Every tube in the joint was in the greedy hands of some snotty eight year old or cute couple or, in rare cases, entire families, who piled onto a single tube five at a time and floated through the water park like some sort of fat, human barge.

Plan A for K-Bell and I to take ourselves out of the rank of the “tubeless” and become proud, responsible tube owners: begging.  We stood along the shores of the large pool where the two tube slides emptied it’s blessed riders out, thinking someone coming off the ride might be tube-slided out and decide to pass their bounty on to us.  The problem: there was a crowd almost three people deep waiting at that exact spot.  Of course, I thought, this is the most obvious begging spot.  We’ll never get a tube here.

So we searched for less obvious spots to set up our pity-shop.  The mouth between the stream and the wave pool…nope, already a fat lady and her fat kids standing there, imploring everyone who floated past for a little tube charity.  Moving further up the stream that went around the water park, we found fewer fellow tubeless to compete with, but also comparatively fewer tubers from which to attempt to scam off of.  It was the ultimate Catch-22.

Begging clearly wasn’t going to work.  The next level we sunk to: prostitution.  “Go up to one of these little boys and tell them you’ll show them your boobs for their tube,” I suggested to K-Bell.  I thought that was a fair trade, and would probably make the decade of some lucky nine or ten year old.

“Why don’t you find some little girl on a tube and show her your penis?” K-Bell countered.  I considered this briefly, and wondered if an evening of magical tube sliding would be worth jail time and having to spend the rest of my life knocking on my neighbors doors and greeting them with, “Hello, I just moved into the neighborhood, and I am required by law to inform you that…”

Prostitution was out.  It was at this point that I began to genuinely resent the people with tubes.  Each and every one of them just looked…arrogant.  Smug.  Floating past me, on their tubes, splashing happily.  Cocky, unconcerned in their tube-filled world.  I noticed that the lucky tubers seemed to avoid eye-contact with those unfortunate tubeless.  Why the hell did these assholes deserve a tube, when I have none, I wondered to myself?  Many of the tubers were not even going down the tube slide! They were just floating pointlessly, not even using the tube for it’s God-given purpose.  One group we walked past had their tube leaned up again the rail, covered in wet towels, while they smugly ate dinner.  What a waste!  I didn’t just resent the people with tubes…I hated them!  They thought they were so much better than us, just because they lucked out and got a tube!  Fuckers fuckers fuckers!

About the tubes: there are two different types.  Regular, and double tubes, which is like two of them joined together, Siamese style.  These double tubes could be used by two people (such as K-Bell and I) to go down the slides together.  As K-Bell noted, there were several people, usually small children, using double tubes by themselves.  Again, what a waste!  K-Bell came up with the great idea of asking two of these people to join up, and ride one of these double tubes together, so that we could use a double tube.  We contemplated this “redistribution” of the tube wealth, and although it sounded great to us, we realized that the tube owners would be unlikely to just voluntarily share one tube when they already had one all to themselves.

Though it shames me greatly, I must confess that at this point I had a dark thought: the only way K-Bell and I would ever acquire the precious tube we needed to enjoy tube-sliding goodness…was to take someone  else’s.  I looked around, trying to find someone who might carelessly turn their back on their tube, allowing me to quickly grab it in their moment of inattention and run off with it.  Or, perhaps a small child or elderly person, who wouldn’t be able to put up much of a fight…it would be so easy to dump one of them into the water, and as they attempted to resurface and regain their bearings, steal away with their precious water-vehicle.

Alas, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Eventually, realizing it was hopeless and that we would never be able to enter that wonderful, magical world of full-fledged tube ownership, K-Bell and I left the park, our heads hung low, our hearts broken, and our minds empty of any beautiful, laughing, tube-sliding memories.  I don’t think anyone with a tube noticed we were gone.


A quick bonus story, unrelated to the one above except for the fact that it occurred while K-Bell and I were eating dinner that night.  This story either illustrates the difference between boys and girls, or illustrates the tragic lack of “Batman” knowledge being taught to our young.  You choose.

When I was recovering from my surgery in August, K-Bell, knowing my love for Batman, bought me one of the Batman action figures that were popular at the time due to the recent release of the movie “The Dark Knight.”  During dinner, she told me that for my upcoming stay in the hospital, she had looked for a “Joker” action figure to go with it, but was unable to find one.  She ended this story by sarcastically lamenting, “So Batman won’t have a friend to go with him.”  This ridiculous statement prompted the following conversation between us, which I am paraphrasing:

Me: Batman and Joker aren’t friends.

K-Bell: Well, you know what I mean.  Sometimes they’re friends.

Me: I most definitely don’t know what you mean.  They are never friends.

K-Bell: Sure, when you were a little kid, you know, didn’t you ever [she mimics enacting a fight with the two action figures] but then sometimes you’re all like [she mimics having Batman and Joker holding hands or having tea together or something] “Oh, hey, we’re friends today.”

Me: No.  Never.  Batman and Joker are never ever ever friends.

K-Bell: Never?  So they just keep fighting forever?  The Joker never learns his lesson or something?

Me: No.  Never

Bless your heart, K-Bell: the only person I know who has so much faith in humanity and goodness that she thinks the motherfucking Joker can turn over a new leaf.

Fuck you (Presidential Election Edition)…

19 09 2008

“Fuck” is like, the best word ever…when someone finally says, “Hey, fuck you,” there’s nothing better. I just look at them and go, “Yeah, that’s right. Fuck me. Good use of fuck right there”…once somebody hits you with “fuck you” that’s it. There’s nothing better, there’s nothing above. You can’t come back with, “Oh, fuck me? Yeah? Gaylord!”

—Dane Cook, Harmful If Swallowed

In my Old MySpace Blog (henceforth known as the OMB), I wrote a blog entitled “Fuck you…” As I mentioned in this blog, usually when I am writing about a subject, my English degree demands that I use persuasive arguments that are logic and fact based rather than emotional. But that shit’s boring! And sometimes it’s just cathartic, instead of trying to be reasonable, to just look at who or whatever is pissing you off, and giving it a big “Fuck you!”

So come along and join me. It’ll be fun!

Right now the primary source of my rage is the presidential election. I got a whole bag full of “fuck you’s” to hand out on this subject. If you are staunchly anti-political, please feel free to skip the first chunk of this blog and start reading at the bold section titled “NON-POLITICAL FUCK YOU’S”. Or feel free to not read my blog at all. What, you think I need your approval? Do you? DO YOU?

Please like me.


Democrats and other Obama suppoerters

Obviously like most elections in our country now days, this presidential election has turned into a “what-crappy-thing-can-I-say-about-the-other-guy?” fest, rather than any intelligent discussion about how we can make our society a more tolerable place to live. Here are some common zingers Obama supporters have been using against John McCain:

1) John McCain is old. I seriously can’t get 3 seconds into a political discussion, or 10 words into a piece of political writing, before I have to hear or see some moron say: “ZOMG, McCain iz soooo oldz, lol. He’s, like, gonna die anys minute.” No fucking way! John McCain is OLD!?!? Incredible. Hey, you know what? FUCK YOU, OBAMA SUPPORTERS! He’s 72 and looks like he is in great shape. He’s going to have access to the best medical care possible (I mean, he’d be the fucking President, get real here), and, realistically, all things being equal…wouldn’t you prefer someone older being President? Do you really want some 35-year old who is going to miss the next big International Environmental Conference because he scores front row tickets to Van Halen? With age brings wisdom…respect your elders, people. Or at least get off their damn lawns.

2) John McCain is just a continuation of George Bush. My next favorite little saying: every half-assed liberal wannabe I know has at some point either uttered, or used as their Facebook quote, the saying: “John McCain…he should be named John McSame!” BLAH HA HA HA HA HA! Get it? Okay, see “Cain” and “Same” almost kind of rhyme, only they pretty much don’t, just like McCain is exactly the same as George W. Bush, only he pretty much isn’t. Do you people even remember the 2000 Republican primary? These two HATED EACH OTHERS GUTS. Granted, McCain sucked it up during the 2004 election and basically got in line behind Bush’s re-election, and you can criticize him for that if you want. But anyone who thinks that a John McCain presidency will in any way resemble a George Bush presidency is just a blindly loyal Democrat ball licker who wants “there guy” to win, without any regard to balancing the real pluses and minuses of each candidate. FUCK YOU, OBAMA SUPPORTERS.

Republicans and McCain supporters

Of course the sturdy right-wing side of our countries political spectrum isn’t being anymore reasonable. Here are the two most infuriating arguments I have to listen to about Obama:

1) Barack Obama has no experience. “What has Barack Obama done?” McCain supporters ask. “How is he fit to be President?” Every time I hear this argument, the question I can’t help but have pop in my brain is, “How many times has John McCain been President again?” The answer, of course, is a big fat ZERO. Does anyone really think President is a job you can get experience at without ACTUALLY BEING THE PRESIDENT. I mean, I guess governor is almost kind of close, but not really, and neither of these guys have been the governor of a state. You could be President of another country, but I’m not sure any voters would go for that. The fact of the matter is, experience would be great, but I think the primary qualities of a good President would be someone who is intelligent, cares about making our country better, well-spoken, and with an ability to work with a large variety of people to solve problems. With that in mind, both of these men seem plenty qualified to me (way over-qualified, if you judge by how the position is filled currently). So, sorry, but FUCK YOU MCCAIN SUPPORTERS!

2) Obama will astronomically raise your taxes. This one has been a head scratcher for me, not just in this election but in the last several elections, where Republicans have somehow performed one of the greatest magic tricks ever and convinced the American public that Democrats will come into office and take all your money. I think McCain supporters honestly believe that if he is elected, they will live in a paradise world where they pay almost no taxes, and magical fairies build and repair the roads, educate their children, and fight the wars they love to fight so much. Okay folks, first off all it’s time for a reality check on a couple different issues. First, like gas prices, your taxes ARE NEVER GOING DOWN. Ever. How can I, a mere liberal arts major with no economic background tell you this? It’s a simple fact of life: once any organization, be it a single person, a family, a business, or the government, get used to operating with a certain amount of money, it is EXTRAORDINARILY difficult to go back to less money. How much would any of you have to hate your job before you’d be willing to go to a job that pays half as much? Or even just 3/4 as much? Could you even hate it that much? Or would you stick it out until you found something that pays the same? I know what I would do.

So. Your taxes aren’t going down. The only questions remain, then, are: Will they go up? By how much? And, most importantly, WHO IS GOING TO DO THE BULK OF THE PAYING? Now, Obama and McCain are both going to talk a lot of shit, because it is an election and that is what you do, but realistically, I don’t think either of them could honestly answer any of those questions with any degree of accuracy right now. They would need to get into office first, see what the situation is, who needs money and how much, etc etc. However, we can use the past history of the parties to give us a clue as to how this will play out. Thanks to a washed up B-actor who somehow managed to get himself elected President and will remain nameless, (by the way, did you know before said actor was President, he sold out a ton of his friends to the House Committee on Un-American Activities for being communisits, though they mostly weren’t, used American hostages as leverage to get elected to his first term, and sold weapons terrorist organizations and then lied about it? Yeah, a quick off-topic FUCK YOU, RONALD REGAN…oops, I named him), Republicans have had this wonderful idea that if rich people, particularly business owners, pay very little in taxes, the economy will run great because they will use all this extra money to employee poor and middle class people, an idea that both observation and a little logic shows is utter bullshit (rich people don’t use that extra money they save in taxes to employee people, they use it to buy a fleet of 27 luxury cars they don’t need…FUCK YOU, P-DIDDY).

Democrats, however, are more inclined to think that maybe we shouldn’t crush already poor people and struggling middle class people with higher taxes, and instead get that money from the rich and super rich, who let’s face it, can afford it. Right-wingers will bitch about this being class warfare, and how they shouldn’t be punished for being successful, and blah blah blah…

Whatever. I honestly have no intention of debating the rights or wrongs of this. But the point is, I think it’s pretty reasonable to believe that unless you are mega-rich, your taxes will not be going up under Obama. And if you are mega-rich…BLAH HA HA…well let’s be honest, you were never voting for anyone but McCain anyway. I mean, you probably contributed to his campaign, for God’s sake. So…FUCK YOU, MCCAIN SUPPORTERS


And finally, I’d like to take a quicksecond to say FUCK YOU to…you. That’s right…you know who you are. You are that person that is so intent on seeing “your guy” win this election, whatever election it happens to be, you don’t bother to debate issues and how each candidate would affect them. Instead you focus on what “that other guy” did, said, or might have done 15 years ago when he was a sophomore in college. You send me ridiculous e-mails with video clips about some tiny, tiny gaffe the other candidate made while being grilled by Sean Hannity. You post retarded bumper stickers and sayings on your MySpace page. You basically treat these elections like they are the big game between the Vikings and Packers: your team just has to win for no other reason than THE OTHER GUYS SUCK!…instead of treating it with the seriousness that selecting the people who make and enforce the laws we live under deserves. You ruin our election process, and make this time of year annoying and painful for the rest of us. FUCK YOU, YOU!

Also, please stop sending the e-mails. Seriously, no one cares what you think. 95% of people already know who they are voting for, if they vote at all. And the other five percent are just going to vote for the guy that is tallest:

Outcome Electoral vote winner Popular vote winner
Taller won 59 percent 65 percent
Shorter won 37 percent 30 percent
Same height 4 percent 5 percent



Okay, this blog is getting long. I apologize, so I will make these ones brief. Some random other fuck you’s that have nothing to do with politics:

During the most recent MTV movie awards, host Russell Brand made some jokes about the Jonas Brothers and their “Promise Rings” that declare them as virgins until they are married. Apparently, former American Idol winner Jordin Sparks, who also wears a promise ring, was not amused.

If you don’t want to watch the video, the summary is she basically said anyone who doesn’t wear one of these rings and save themselves for marriage is a slut. Okay then, well…FUCK YOU, JORDIN SPARKS! First off, I won’t bother mentioning the fact that it is super easy to abstain from sex when you are a gross looking fat ass (oops, I just mentioned it). For the super-hot, sexually viral rest of us, it’s not so easy. Hey, Jordin Sparks, I like to have sex, but I’m not planning on getting married. Am I a slut? How about my friends, all of whom are very intelligent, secure individulas, and many of whom are…<gasp>…female, who also like to have sex, but are not married? Are they all sluts, too?

Here is the problem with sex and our attitude to it in this country, and why I will never support abstinence only education. We need to stop treating sex like it is an inherently dirty thing until you are in the confines of marriage, and instead treat it as what it is: a perfectly natural act that has inherent risks that need to be talked about and accounted for. Also, being a slut has nothing to do with who you have sex with, or with how many people, or if you are married or not. Being a slut is using sex to get people to like you, and not because you want to be having sex. Period.

And on a quick side note: are any of us really falling for this whole “The Jonas Brothers are virgins?” Didn’t we just go through all this shit with Britney Spears a few years ago, and now it comes out that, extremely unsurprisingly, she was banging people at 14. Who cares if any of these people are virgins or not? FUCK YOU, MUSIC PRODUCERS, for using these young kids sexuality as a ploy to sell records.

Also real quick…

FUCK YOU, CANCER! Seriously, if I have to spend one more god damn minute in a doctors waiting room, reading the same crappy magazines, staring at the same fish tanks, and having sex with the same big-chested nurses in the bathroom after they draw my blood, I’m gonna freak.


FUCK YOU, COOL RANCH DORITOS! I mean, c’mon! Why are you so delicious? Do you seriously have to make me eat THE ENTIRE BAG! I am usually a very reasonable snacker, but once I put one of you in my mouth…that’s it baby! I ain’t stopping till I am licking the crumbs from the bottom of the bag like a homeless person. What the hell is all that multi-colored spice on there, anyway? Heroin?

Ahhh…didn’t that feel good? It did for me. I invite you all to leave your own “Fuck you’s” in the comment section below…you’ll feel better, trust me. Also, unlike K-Bell, I encourage political discussion on my blog, so feel free to “fuck you” some of my “fuck you’s” However, just remember this one important thing if you start arguing your political crap: I really don’t care what you think.