Bestest story, ever…

From USA Today:

MOUNT PLEASANT, Wisconsin (AP) — An iconic Oscar Mayer Wienermobile crashed into a southern Wisconsin home as the driver tried to turn around the giant hot dog on wheels.

The hot dog company’s promotional Wienermobile crashed Friday into the deck and garage of a home in Mount Pleasant, about 35 miles south of Milwaukee.

The 22-year-old driver was trying to turn the Wienermobile around in the driveway and thought she was moving in reverse, Mount Pleasant Police Chief Tim Zarzecki said. But she instead went forward and hit the home. It sat in the driveway as if it were stuck in the garage Friday afternoon.

Responding officers were not initially told what kind of vehicle was involved.

“It was a little bit of a surprise when they arrived,” Zarzecki said.

“So they were, I’m sure, somewhat humored by the incident but their first response was wanting to make sure everyone was OK,” he added.
There is literally not one single aspect of this story that isn’t 100% awesome, but if I had to pick a favorite part, I think it’s the fact that the officers weren’t told what type of vehicle had crashed.  I mean, if I was the dispatcher, I’m pretty sure that is the first thing I would mention.

Oscar Meyer and Home Depot to use this picture to start a joint ad campaign?

This will end well…

The governor of Arizona today signed a bill that would allow Arizonian’s (?) to carry a concealed handgun into a bar.  According to the USA Today:

Opponents have said mixing guns and alcohol produces a dangerous combination that could cause violence. Supporters said people should be able to protect themselves at businesses that serve alcohol. Supporters also said it was risky to leave guns in parked vehicles.

Pretty solid fucking logic in my book.  Let the drinkin’ and shootin’ commence!

On second thought…fuck “National Blog Posting Month”…

Okay, so a few posts ago I mentioned “National Blog Posting Month” and how during it I was going to post everyday.  That lasted…hold on let me count…yep, three days.  So you know what?  I’m saying a big fuck you to NBPM, which frankly in recent years has become way too commercial anyway.  I mean, it used to be about the fucking blogging, man, you know what I’m saying?  Just a bunch of us…dirty, sweaty, pale…banging away at our laptops…at nights our frail-from-lack-of-real-exercise bodies entwining in hot, passionate, very quick, nerd sex.  But now, there’s like NBPM t-shirts, and I’m supposed to take my kid to see the NBPM Fairy at the mall, who’s clearly just some unemployed sex fiend the other 11 months of the year, and…blah, I’m just over it.

So, for serious, here’s the problem right now, folks: This blog is a place for me to rant about opinions and other things I’m passionate about, and right now I’m kind of at a “low ebb” on the creativity front, and I’m only passionate about exactly three things:

1) It’s hot out, and I’m sick of having to scoop my balls out from between my legs like a melted ice cream cone.

2) “Lost” is fucking amazing, and if I were ever alone on a deserted island with Evangeline Lilly, the friction from how hard I was banging her would be enough to create a smoke signal that could be seen from the North Pole, and finally,

3) If it wasn’t for the fact that I have to pee, I would never, ever get out of bed in the morning.  Stupid kidney’s and their whole breaking down proteins into waste, bs.

So I’m not going to be posting everyday this month.  Maybe I won’t post at all.  Or maybe I’ll post some.  Who knows?  It’s like a cliffhanger, without the suspense or intrigue or general interest.

If you are someone who really can’t get enough of my writing, I would encourage you to, first, seek therapy, and second, come see the play I wrote being performed in the Fringe Festival this year.  It’s exactly like one of my blogs, only instead of words it’s people talking, and instead of constantly referencing my genitals, I constantly reference Mike Tischers genitals.  Hurray for a cheap Fringe show plug!

Why it’s important…

As far as political issues are concerned, I am of the belief that the fight for gay marriage is, if not the most important battle going on in the country, certainly in the top two or three.  This contradiction may surprise people who know that I am 1) Straight and that I 2) Feel that marriage is, at best, a somewhat silly abstraction based on a promise no sane person can honestly make and, at worst, a relationship destroying arrangement.  So, why so serious about gay marriage, Tim?  I have a variety of reasons, ranging from the noble to the completely selfish.  But let’s just focus on one of the most important reasons today.

This is a video shot recently during Gay Pride in Minneapolis by a friend of a friend (I am assuming I have permission to use it, since it was posted on YouTube).  A man was approached by a group of mostly youngish looking residents, asked if he was gay, and when he responded yes, the following occurred:

Now to be fair here, this could be looked at as relatively tame.  Nobody got hurt, thankfully.  But I don’t know about anyone else, but can you imagine the fear of having this many people following you for two full minutes, screaming at you about how the hate you and your lifestyle.  Frankly, I’m amazed that this gentleman was walking so calmly.  You better believe my skinny white ass would have been going full Forrest Gump out of there.

I think the very telling aspect of this video, though, is the age of the harrassers.  They all look to be under 16, and some of them look like they are in the 11 to 12 range.  Now there are a couple of different ways to interpret that.  One school of thought says, “Ah, kids will be kids, and they will grow out of it.”  Maybe.  However, another way of looking at this is that these kids are being taught (and yes, have no doubt about it, it something that is taught) to hate gays very, very early.  How is this happening?

Here is a clip from Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly show aired during the last presidential election:

(On a quick unrelated side note: Anyone else notice how Bill O’Reilly interviews this woman?  Respectfully, never interrupting her, making sure he chooses his words carefully when paraphrasing her beliefs?  And you just know if this was someone arguing for gay marriage he’d be screaming his head off and not letting them get two words in?  Yeah, fuck you “Fox News” and your Fair and Balanced bullshit…)

If you don’t want to sit and watch the whole thing (I don’t blame you), here are the cliff notes: O’Reilly is interviewing a woman who represents a “Marriage Group” first lobbying to have marriage defined as solely between a man and a woman.  The basic summary of her argument: Well, golly gee, Bill, you know I love the gays just as much as the next person, and that’s why we have laws about civil unions and such and such, and shouldn’t the gays just be happy with that and leave the whole marriage thing to us breeders?  If you have gays marrying each other and being all married and openly happy and whatnot, then I gotta go home and explain to my kids about gay people.!

Exactly.  And that’s why this issue is so important.  By keeping homosexual relationships relegated to “civil unions” or other pseudo-marriage offshoots, we make a statement as a society, whether we intend to or not.  And that statement is: Homosexual relationships aren’t the same as heterosexual relationships.  They are [weird/evil/different/not as important/unhealthy].  And the fact of that matter is, they’re not different.  Make friends with a gay couple, and watch them go through the same cycle of puppy love, happiness, bullshit fighting, annoyance, lust, complacency, and trust issues as any other couple, and then tell me what the difference is.  And as long as we keep marriage as some sort of “sacred” unattainable club that gays aren’t allowed to be a part of, we send a message as a society to all our children that there is something wrong with being gay.  And then, well…see above video.

Now, since I am completely unable to write anything sincere and meaningful without immediately following it up with some lame attempt at humor (a fact which the cast and crew currently working on the Fringe show are well aware), here is a video clip from an old after school special about steroids starring a young Ben Affleck, set to Benny Hill music.  Enjoy.  (Note: This video was stolen from Film Drunk, who probably stole it from someone else.  So, credit where credit is almost due.)

Fuck yeah…

It’s the Fourth of July…the big “Independence Day” in the States.  I’m not going to write a blog about the variety of complex reasons why I am extremely blah about this holiday (though, I probably need to confess here, I am a huge fan of the movie “Independence Day”).  Let is just suffice to say that, no, I don’t hate America, but getting super passionate about a bunch of invisible lines on a map because people say you are supposed to borders on the same mindless herd mentality that also makes me dislike organized religion.

But whatever.  The point is, right now I kind of wish I was one of those super hardcore, ultra-patrotic individuals, because I’d really, really, really like to enjoy the following song with no irony:

All I have to add to this is: Hamburgers…fuck yeah!

Bringing it in under the deadline…

My attempt to do a blog every day this month is off to a rocky start.  Family, alcohol, and rockband conspired to take away all blog writing time today.  But a post is a post, so I guess I will just take this opportunity to tell you the GREATEST SECRET YOU’VE NEVER HEARD!!!!

Okay, here it is…ready?

It’s…

Oops, I’m out of time, I have to post now.  Sorry.

National Blog Posting Month…

WordPress has just brought it to my attention that this is National Blog Posting Month.   Hey, has anyone else noticed that there seem to be a lot more “National Something-something Months” than there are actual months in a year?  Which means every month is multiple National Something Month?  Also, what’s the deal with airline food?

Apparently, the idea behind this is to challenge bloggers to blog every day for a single month.  I for one would just like to extend my gratitude to WordPress.com for putting this idea together, as I strongly believe the world is running dangerously low on pointless, narcisstic, rambling, poorly written literature produced on the subject of “OMG my kitty is the cutest kitty ever!”  This should get the flow moving nicely.  It also served as a reminder of my poor, neglected, blog.  My lame excuse is that all of my creative energy is pretty much being sucked up by the Fringe show.  However, I accept the challenge, WordPress.  Let’s see if I can revitalize the sagging “Free Time…” with a post everyday this month.

At the very least, it will give me something to do while waiting for the porn to download.

XXX…

If 50 is the new 30, then by my math 30 must be the new 18.  Right?  Am I right?

I think I’m right.

The Science of Comedy…

So the other day I’m in the shower, cleaning my nether regions, and doing some work in my  head on my next play script.  That’s correct…most playwrights do their writing in the shower while soaping up their genitals.  Little known fact.  Some food for thought the next time you’re in a theater, contemplating the genius of Hamlet or Death of A Salesman.

Anyway.

I’m thinking of a particular funny line…what exactly the line is isn’t important…but it involves a shape.  The shape needs to be somewhat obscure, but not so obscure that people won’t know what it is.  And my mind keeps bouncing back and forth between “trapezoid” and “rhombus.”  Trapezoid is a funny sounding word, but rhombus, being an even more obscure shape, might be funnier.  Except I’m worried that at least a decent percentage of your average audience won’t know what a rhombus is, and a very small percentage might not even realize that a rhombus is a shape.  Disaster!

So I keep going back a forth: trapezoid, rhombus.  Rhombus, trapezoid.  Which is funnier?  Trapezoid?  Rhombus?  Or am I so completely blinded by the trapezoid/rhombus debate, that I am overlooking pentagons?  And then, all of the sudden, I realize that I’ve been standing in the shower, naked, balls in my hand, going back and forth thinking about trapezoids and rhombuses (rhombi?) for seventeen minutes.  And it was then I realized: I need a new hobby.

*****

Today as I was driving around doing some errands, I was pulling up to an intersection to get onto Highway 10, and I saw an old man in one of those little personal scooter chair things.  You know the ones that don’t even have handlebars or a front section or anything.  Basically just glorified electronic wheelchair.  Nothing that exciting, except here’s the weird part: He was driving in the middle of the road, stopped with the rest of the cars, waiting to get onto Highway 10.  And all I could think was: God damn, that little scooter must be tricked out.

I also, during this same drive, had the displeasure of encountering a crazy motorcyclist.  You know the ones.  They swerve in and out of tight spaces and basically act like that, because they are on a motorcycle, the normal rules of the road don’t apply to them.

Dear motorcyclists: This is part of the reason we have trouble "seeing" you.

So this crazy biker dude on a big old Harley swerves, and I do mean swerves, to squeeze in between me and a red van that was one lane to the right of me and only slightly ahead.  Then, unsurprisingly, the van, which had no chance of ever being able to see or know that this motorcycle was suddenly to it’s left, no matter how diligently they checked their rear view mirrors and blind spots, tries to get into my lane, almost hitting the motorcyclist.  So what does this crazy asshole do?  He gets pissed at the van, starts flipping them off, and then crazily pulls up to their right, and proceeds to start yelling at them through their window.  It was at this moment that I experienced the closest thing I have ever had to Road Rage.  This prick drives like a douche, and gets mad when someone almost hits him.  I would have yelled at him out my window, but he was too far ahead of me.  However, as he made a right turn off the road, I made sure to flip him off long and hard.  Hopefully he looked in one of his rear view mirrors and saw me.  Dick.

*****

Finally, I’d like to quickly report on Hollywood’s ongoing crusade to take fond memories of my childhood, and then squat down and take a big ole’ shit on them.  Following the insult to life that is Michael Bay’s Transformers movie, I now have to be confronted with G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, opening this summer.  I’m not going to taint the precious virginity of my blog site with a clip from this smut, but if you really need to see for yourself, you can look here.

(Mind you, I am in no way encouraging you to watch this clip, but just in case you don’t believe me on how bad it is, there’s your chance.)

This movie looks so bad that I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that it is, retroactively, destroying my childhood.  It’s like Stephen Sommers actually got into a time machine, traveled back to 1985, walked into my darkened bedroom, and fondled my genitals*.  I mean, why are they wearing space suits?  Why is everything in slow motion?  Why is this happening!?!?

*(I realize that this blog is sort of heavy on references to my genitals.  I apologize.)

Anyway, I’m still holding strong for a “Charles in Charge” movie.  Scott Baio’s due a comeback.

Unnecessary Censorship…

I have to admit that I really haven’t watched any late night TV shows for a good five or six years now, though I do think they can occasionally be very funny.  So this may be old news for those of you who actually keep up with this sort of stuff, but I just recently discovered a beautifully hilarious bit that Jimmy Kimmel (who, incidentally, is himself pretty funny, IMO) does on a weekly basis.  Titled “This Week in Unnecessary Censorship,” the idea is so straightforward I can’t believe no one else has thought of it: Kimmel (or, rather, his producers) take random news and video clips, and then bleep out words that don’t need to be bleeped.  The effect is rather startling; even though your brain knows these clips don’t contain swear words, it’s amazing how easily your brain fills in the forbidden word that would make sense in that spot.  Essentially, the producers can use a simple bleep to make anyone swear, from President Obama to Kathy Lee Gifford.  Here are a couple of example clips:

Along with being quite hilarious, the most impressive thing about this seemingly trifle little comedy bit is how brilliantly it illustrates the silliness of our obsession over “naughty words”…or rather, our obsession with not hearing them.  Think about it this way: Can you ever think of a time when you heard a [bleep] on a news broadcast, television show, or whatever, and didn’t immediately know exactly what word had just been bleeped?  Unless you are adorably naive, the answer has to be “no.”  Now, if you know what word is being said anyway, from the context, what exactly is the bleeping protecting us from?  Preventing having the offending word, which by the way is just a bunch of arbitrary syllables put together, from actually caressing our innocent ear drums?  To put it another way, what is the source of the offensiveness in so called “swear words?”  Is it the intent, or the literal word itself?

The only possible legitimate argument for bleeping that I can see is to protect children, who may not yet be able to “name that word.”  Fine, I suppose.  But you’re kind of just delaying the inevitable, aren’t you?  Is there really anyone over the age of say, six, out there who hasn’t already learned these words already?  If not at home, then from their more worldly friends at school?

To be clear, I’m not advocating complete and total uncensorship for TV (although, I’m not saying I’m against that, either).  The point I’m trying to make is simple: Is that annoying bleeeep! sound really necessary when someone accidentally let’s loose with a word they aren’t supposed to say on TV?  As far as I can see, they only good it does is provide Jimmy Kimmel with an awesome Friday night time-filler.